Colman Noctor: The value of spending family time together over Christmas

Research suggests that time spent together as a whole family is vital for everyone’s wellbeing

MY big Christmas shopping list has all the usual things on it: turkey, ham, cranberry sauce and After Eights. But I have also learned to add other, less traditional items, like Lemsip, cough syrup and paracetamol. The reason is that I always get sick at Christmas.  My theory is because I am so busy in the run-up to December 25, I don't have time to be sick, but as soon as I stop, it all catches up on me. It’s unlikely I’m the only over-stretched parent who has this pattern. 

While being ill at Christmas is far from a pleasant experience, it forces me to slow down and rest. I am  not very good at relaxing so perhaps this is my body’s way of giving me what I need instead of what I want.  I often remind parents about the need to make room for downtime with their children, but this space can be difficult to find amidst the hectic schedules of many of our lives.  But is the frantic rushing from activity to activity what we should be doing? Perhaps there is an opportunity over Christmas to make time to ‘be with each other’ rather than rushing to places together.

While a lot is said about festive stress — the financial pressures or family fallout- for most  families, the customary Christmas rituals allow for time to be together when no one has anything to do or anywhere else to go.

 A unique aspect of Christmas Day growing up was how the world seemed to stop for that day. There were no mobile phones back then, so I could not keep track of what my friends were doing. Once Christmas Day mass was over and we discussed outside the church what Santa had brought us, we went home and felt cocooned from the world.

Uninterrupted time together — an opportunity

I was lucky to live with a loving family where I felt safe and loved. We were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination; there were plenty of arguments, like when my older sisters would accuse me of robbing their Wispa bar from their selection boxes, but on the whole, Christmas Day in our house was a happy experience. While the excitement of Santa’s arrival was part of it, the simple pleasure of us all settling down together to watch a movie with a turkey sandwich and a fizzy drink — which we were given once a year — made it a special time.

 While many families head off to cousins or extended family for a large get-together, others stay home and spend the day in each other’s company. Some might make efforts to dress up in their new Christmas clothes; others opt for a lazy day in their pyjamas. Whatever your preference, the commonality is often an opportunity to spend uninterrupted time together. Except for the hormonal teen who may need some time away from the intensity of family communication, most others are happy to just ‘be’ at home together.

Since the lifting of pandemic restrictions, I’ve noticed that we spend very little quality time together as families. When you consider the hectic year-round schedule of extra-curricular activities, homework and long commutes to and from work, the net result is that uninterrupted or unpressured time as a family is quite limited. 

I have three children and we spend surprisingly little time when we are all together. Most days involve referring to the weekly schedule or the WhatsApp group messages and bringing them to their various social and sporting commitments.

Embrace the downtime over the Christmas this year

We are not alone in this struggle. A recent British-based study of 2,000 parents found that work commitments (56%), homework (29%) and social media use (20%) were the main things that hindered family time. They found that in a typical week, families spend an average of six hours together — less than an hour a day — and only eat a meal as a household four days out of seven.

All this busyness comes at a cost. Research suggests that time spent together as a whole family is vital for everyone’s wellbeing. A 2022 study from University College London by Giocomo Vagni found that family time, couple time, and time alone with children contribute significantly to parents’ sense of wellbeing. Beyond what families are doing, the study found that being together was the main source of enjoyment, suggesting family togetherness is not contingent on expensive day trips or extravagant activities — it could as easily be achieved while playing a board game, charades, watching a movie or going for a walk together.

This concurs with the 2018 Family Togetherness Study I was involved in, where the children interviewed recalled events like ‘the time we made a fort from the cushions from the couch’ or ‘the day we baked and Dad burned the buns’ were far more common accounts of togetherness than the more expensive grand gestures that we sometimes believe need to be part of creating ‘quality family time’.

I will make a concerted effort to embrace the downtime over the Christmas this year. I have pledged not to fill the week with activities or hectic visiting schedules. Instead, I plan to embrace the lazy days. I will dedicate some hours to a Lego marathon with my children, which I find surprisingly mindful, and perhaps go outside to play with the new goalposts and goalkeeper gloves that my son hopes Santa will bring him.  

My motto for Christmas 2023 is that ‘sometimes less is more’. I am prioritising value over cost and have realised that the more stressed I am about making Christmas ‘perfect’ for my children, the greater the potential for disappointment when things inevitably don’t go to plan. Perhaps the way of getting around this is not to make a plan so it cannot fall apart. 

My hope this Christmas is for my family to relax together so we can feel re-energised and ready for the challenges of the year ahead.  

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist