Joanna Fortune: My 10-year-old daughter unleashes her frustration on me 

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Our 10-year-old daughter is caring, sensitive and has friends. She is a ‘good child’ and afraid to get in trouble which can lead to her storing anger or frustration and unleashing it on me. The slightest action or comment from me seems to trigger her. She has a different dynamic with her dad, who is quieter than I am and doesn’t challenge him. She says sometimes she doesn’t know how to read if he’s unhappy or annoyed with her. She feels anxious about trying new things, but they generally go well after coaxing, and she is proud of herself. What can we do to help navigate this?

It sounds like you have a sensitive child who may be showing some perfectionist tendencies. It is not ideal when our children are afraid to get into trouble as it can feed these perfectionistic tendencies and deny opportunities to learn from making mistakes.

I agree with your analysis: the effort to control her experiences and avoid mistakes or ‘trouble’ is causing pent-up frustration. Of course, this frustration spills onto you because you are her safe place. Your daughter knows she can exhale all those difficult feelings, secure in the knowledge you will catch, contain and help her understand and manage them.

This is a lot of pressure on you and, as we are all human, sometimes we meet those projected frustrations with our own frustrations — ‘why are you having a go at me?’ ‘I wasn’t even there, it’s not my fault’ — and we can resort to labelling their emotional outbursts as so-called ‘bad behaviour’.

The good news is we can return and repair when this happens: ‘I am sorry I got frustrated with you and said cross things, my feelings got too big and I wish I hadn’t acted that way. Here is what I wish I had said. Can I try again now?’ Then we say what we wish we had said and respond with acceptance and empathy to how our children are feeling.

When you do make amends in this way, two things happen:

1. You show her that your relationship will always matter more than the row or being right;

2. You model that she can be less than perfect — she can get it wrong/misbehave and make repairs afterwards in a meaningful and authentic way.

What she says about being unable to read her Dad’s thoughts and feelings is striking. Some of us tend towards more introverted expressions, and it can be challenging for others to interpret what is being communicated, though this is not our intention. Dad can acknowledge his quiet nature and assure her that she doesn’t have to work so hard to read what he is thinking and feeling because he will tell her and make that easier for her ahead.

This personality difference may also be why your daughter responds differently to you and her dad. You get a greater backlash because she finds you easier to read and has decided you can cope with what she is experiencing.

Keep focused on praising her efforts to try something new and give something her best effort rather than the outcome. This way, you offer specific and authentic praise that is never dependent upon results.

This episode of my 15-minute podcast series might be of help to you exa.mn/15-minutes-perfectionism

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]