Colman Noctor: Encouragement always trumps nagging when it comes to teens

Too often, parents get dragged into a battle for control with their teenager, which can bring out the inner adolescent in the parent. Picture: iStock 

Colman Noctor

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

“You’re always nagging me, and getting on my case.”

“I am not nagging you. I am trying to help you.”

This one of the most common parent-teenager exchanges I hear of and see in my clinic.

Most parents slip into approaches with their teens that are more akin to nagging than encouraging.

A great amount of research focuses on which parenting styles promote optimal growth and development in adolescents and it is believed that a positive parenting approach is most effective. Positive parenting is not about giving in to your child’s demands, instead, it implies that the parent-child relationship should contain affection, support, communication of clear limits and fair consequences. But executing positive parenting all the time is aspirational.

Like many interpersonal issues, the distinction between nagging and encouragement can be subtle and subjective. Nagging involves giving a series of directives delivered without empathy or suggested solutions. It also tends to place blame and responsibility on one party.

Statements like “you don’t get enough exercise”, “get off that Xbox and go outside”, or “your room is a tip” are examples of nagging, which are largely unhelpful and only serve to cause conflict.

Most of us have, at some point or another, used one if not all of these phrases when dealing with our children. Nagging may result in the teen reluctantly stepping away from their Xbox or belligerently tidying their room, but I’ve yet to hear of it leading to meaningful or long-lasting change.

Why do we continue to nag our children if the success rate is so limited? Most likely because it was the approach used by our parents and is the only template we have.

Getting a teenager to change their behaviour is difficult.This is mainly because they do not share the same priorities or values as their parents.

Given you are their parent, they may assume you ‘know nothing’ about their lives, so your views are likely to be dismissed before you even begin to speak.

Your perceived lack of credibility, combined with you pitching an idea the child does not want to hear, makes communication difficult.

Against this backdrop, we should not be surprised that parent-to-teenage exchanges often involve disagreements. However,arguments are not an indication you are failing as a parent. They are more likely to be inevitable when you attempt to impose your value system on someone who does not share it or want it. At least not for now.

Are teen wars eternal?

Are we all destined for years of constant arguments with our children as they crunch through the teenage stage? Not necessarily. Making minor adaptations to your approach could help reduce the frequency and severity of parent–teen fallouts.

Step one is to switch from nagging to encouragement, moving from accusatory statements to supportive suggestions. This can be difficult because power is often the theme of parent-teen conflict. As teenagers establish more autonomy, they may also become more oppositional. It is like the toddler phase of overusing the term, ‘no’, only the teen’s vocabulary is more extensive. Similar to this ‘no’, teen oppositionality is more about control than a meaningful refusal. Also like toddlers, teenagers often misuse their newfound autonomy.

In the same way as negotiating with a toddler having a tantrum is pointless, rational conflict resolution approaches are often ineffective. You may need to give the teen what they need as opposed to what you believe they deserve to move beyond the impasse.

Too often, parents get dragged into a battle for control with their teenager, which can bring out the parent’s inner adolescent and these exchanges can lead to us taking a position we are not proud of in hindsight. Grounding a teenager for a year or resorting to “because I said so” may not feature in our finest parenting hours when we reflect on these interactions, but sometimes we resort to fighting fire with fire when we are frustrated.

What can we do instead? I asked a group of teenagers about the difference between nagging and encouragement and their replies struck a deep chord.

They spoke about subtle but significant differences.

One described a typical nagging statement as: “you need to get outside and go for a walk, you have been sitting in that chair all morning, don’t be so lazy”.

Another described how an encouraging statement might sound: “I am going down to the shop in 20 minutes. Do you want to come with me,and we can grab a coffee and get some fresh air and a walk?”

The main difference between the two approaches was the encouraging parent asks or suggests something versus the nagging parent who is demanding, blaming and ordering.

These subtleties make sense. Even as an adult, I am far more likely to do something more willingly if asked to do it, than if I am told to do it. The difference between “can you …” and “will you ...” is vast in terms of our response.

Compromise is not ‘losing’

Sometimes we see adopting a more encouraging approach or compromising with our teens as evidence we are ‘losing’,or ‘giving in’. This response is connected to us being seduced into a battle for control.

Locking horns to maintain a feeling of control will, at best, achieve begrudging compliance; at worse, it will lead to more intense and frequent conflict. Rather than seeing compromise or encouragement as a sign of losing control or giving in, we need to see it as an example of savvy parenting that is far more likely to achieve a better outcome.

I am not suggesting this approach will always work, as no parenting strategy has that level of success. However, I can say with some confidence that the success rate of nagging resulting in meaningful engagement is zero.

Have you ever observed a parent berating their teenager about their laziness or lack of application, and suddenly the teenager has an epiphany and says: “You know you are right? I have just realised that my choices are not good ones. Thank you for enlightening me about this reality, I will change my ways immediately. Thank you, Mum/Dad.”

No? Me neither.

Safe in the knowledge that nagging is ineffective, you have nothing to lose by trying to change your approach and trying encouragement instead.

So whenever you feel the urge to demand your teenager behaves in a certain way, make a request instead. You may want to point out what they are doing is ‘wrong’, but it’s more effective to suggest you could help them do it differently.

The next time a conversation with your teenager does not go well, remind yourself that these difficult exchanges are not a reflection of your poor parenting skills; instead, they are an inevitable aspect of rearing most teenagers.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist