Joanna Fortune: Will this toddler remember who we are after an absence?

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Joanna Fortune

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

We are about to reunite with a two-and-a-half-year-old child we have not seen for eight months. We are unsure if he will remember us. What would you suggest?

I am not sure about the nature of your separation, but I can only imagine how difficult these months have been for you all. Your instinct may well be to rush to embrace him to compensate for the long time since you’ve last met. I understand that response fully, yet I suggest you take things slowly. If you calculate eight months as a percentage of his little life, it is a significant amount of time. He may need time to readjust to see you and - hard as it is - his needs must set the pace for your reunion.

Children under 18 months are still developing what we call ‘people permanence’. This is the ability to hold other people in mind while separated and to do so safe in the knowledge that this person is coming back to you. A prolonged separation from you at his age may disrupt his ‘people permanence’ capacity. He may distrust your return initially and fear you will disappear again. It is hard not to take this as a rejection when it happens, but it is not about rejecting you, it is about protecting himself. Accept that he might need time and empathise with what the separation has been like from his perspective.

Ensure that whoever he has been staying with while apart from you is emotionally and physically available during this transition because a predictable environment will be very reassuring to him.

Start with short bursts of time together and build it up as he relaxes and feels safe again. I suggest you wear a perfume/soap/cream you would always have worn as smell can be so evocative of memory, even at this young age. Come down to his level, sit on the floor, and allow some distance with open arms so he can come to you. Play with him and follow his lead. Sing or hum a familiar lullaby to him in a low melodic tone of voice. Smile and let him see how much you love him and how happy you are to see him. When he is in your arms, slowly sway and rock him while you hum and tell him you missed him and love him.

While I do not know the nature or context of your separation, I suggest a wonderful children’s book called You Weren’t With Me by Chandra Ghosh-Ippen that tells the story of a parent and child rabbit reuniting after a difficult separation. Little Rabbit is not ready to embrace Big Rabbit and needs its parent to understand how the separation felt. The story is about their conversation as they build that bridge of reconnection. It might be helpful for you and the child. You can also listen to the author read it on this YouTube clip [exa.mn/rabbit-story]

Be kind to yourselves too. This is a challenging and emotional time. Lean into each other for support and go gently for all of you.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]