Joanna Fortune: I have to lie beside my four-year-old before he sleeps 

Children thrive when there is a schedule and struggle when it is interrupted. 

Joanna Fortune

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

My four-year-old child refuses to sleep unless I lie beside him. It started when we moved him into his room as a toddler. We also have a two-year-old but she has no problem settling down for the night. Is there a way I can wean him off our nightly routine?

A routine is a sequence of actions regularly followed and performed as part of a procedure. 

Children thrive when there is a schedule and struggle when it is interrupted. 

There is nothing wrong with changing your son's bedtime but remember that you developed it in the first place. 

Now that you wish to change it, he will likely want to keep things as they are. 

Play is an ideal way to introduce children to change. 

Set up a sensory play activity with him (fill a baking tray with corn flour and bury some Lego blocks in there that the two of you can play at excavating together before you wash them in a small bowl of water and then build with them) and gently reflect how much you have loved taking him to bed and lying beside him while he was still a toddler. 

Add that you know he is now a pre-schooler, and it is time for you to be brave and help him to get to sleep by himself. 

Emphasise what parts of your routine will not change ('we will still do our play before bed, our bath and storytime') and what will be the one new change ('and then I will kiss you goodnight and leave the room'). 

Continue by sharing where you will be when you're not with him ('I will be downstairs/in the sitting room') and that you are still available to him if he should need you ('I will be able to hear you if you really need me and I will come to you') ending with an assurance ('I know we are both ready for this one change and that we will help each other to get used to a new way of doing bedtime'). 

You are focussing on making him a collaborator in the new routine rather than seeing it as something he must resist.  

In this way, the change is happening in consultation with him rather than to him.

While you talk through the new bedtime routine, the sensory activity can help him process any feelings he might have in response to what you are saying. 

Story play is another type of play that will help him to integrate and adjust to the new routine. Take a few small-world characters (think doll's house characters/Sylvanian Families etc.) and play out the new bedtime routine while he watches you. 

Keep this play short and simple, with a successful ending  - don’t include a reference to the old pattern, only the changes you want to see. 

Repeat this story play each day for at least 10-14 days, and around days nine to 12, invite him to play out the story back to you.

Repetition will allow him to learn this new routine in a gentle yet clear way in his language of play. 

Making it fun will help him to sleep on his own. 

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail].