Richard Hogan: How do you help your child who's being bullied?

Richard Hogan: It can be very unsettling to hear your child describe how they are being alienated or targeted.

One of the most challenging experiences we go through as parents is supporting a child who is being bullied. Every fibre in your being wants to confront that bully and sort them out so they think twice about messing with your child.

It can be very unsettling to hear your child describe how they are being alienated or targeted by a particular child or group in school.

Social Media compounds this complicated issue because that type of bullying can be so subtle and devastating because they are never free from the hands of their tormentors. When we were young, if we were being bullied we would have respite at home.

But now, social media brings the bully into the house. We have all heard the awful stories of children whose lives became intolerable at the hands of their peers.

Those terrible stories can really shake us when we are faced with a child who is being bullied.

But how we support our children during this process is vitally important if we want them to construct a positive sense of self and autonomy.

Something I always say to parents when I’m giving talks; we want our children to be compassionate but we also want them to have teeth. They have to be able to stand up for themselves, this is not about blaming the victim but about empowering our children so that they never get viewed as potential victims.

We all experience bullies in our adult life, and we have to manage them. So learning how to manage a bully is a very important moment of learning in your child’s life. The first important step is to listen calmly when your child describes to you what is happening.

If you become upset or anxious, you are telling your child that they should be worried, and that you are not safe to talk to about these issues.

Becoming agitated or upset just communicates to your child you don’t have the competency to support them in this issue.

So, listen calmly. Ask questions rather than jumping into solve the problem.

It may not seem like it, but this is such an important moment in your child’s development. We all meet bullies and we all have to be able to handle them successfully.

View it as such, when we rush to solve, we steal the learning moment.

Questions such as: “What do you think you could do in this situation that would help?” “Why do you think he/she says that about you?” “Why do you believe them?” “What are you doing that isn’t helping?”

Asking questions rather than jumping into solve the problem is far better for your child.

Think about the two potential outcomes: you solve the problem or your child solves the problem. Which of these is the most desirable for your child’s positive inner monologue?

Of course, your child feeling like they have the tools to manage whatever comes into their life, is the best mindset for your child to develop.

Before my children started school, I did a thing with them called bully school. It was a bit of fun through roleplay. I’d pretend to be a bully and say something hurtful to my two daughters.

The eldest daughter would respond by saying, “Why would someone say something like that?”

Whereas Lizzy, my middle child, would say “I’d tell them to leave me alone.” Except her language was far more colourful.

But I worked with my eldest daughter on understanding why people say mean things, helping her to become more critical of what she will potentially hear in the playground.

Fast forward a couple of years, and she came home after having a very difficult day in school with one of her peers. They made a hurtful comment about her and she was upset.

But all that roleplay had paid off, she told me it hurt but that she didn’t believe her and she stood up for herself, she told me, “I did that thing we used to do, I said her words mean nothing to me.” She was proud of herself, I could tell she felt resilient.

We have to prepare our children for the real world and give them a little bite when someone comes at them and says something to put them down.

Developing that inner critic so that they can positively reframe the negative things they are inevitably going to hear playing with other children is vitally important for their wellbeing.

We all meet bullies in life. Developing your child’s ability to stand up for themselves, and by listening and asking questions rather than immediately trying solve the problem will give your children important skills for life.

Next week I will outline what you can do if your child is the bully.