Joanna Fortune: My son is struggling to make friends in school
My son says he’s nothing in common with the boys in his class. What can I do?
One of the most painful things for us as parents to witness is our children struggling to connect with their peer group. When we know that they have their group of friends, we feel reassured that they are doing OK.
In truth, children/teens do not need a group of friends to be happy or settled in school — group dynamics do not suit everybody. However, we all thrive by engaging with others and making social connections, so even a couple of friends can be enough.
At this age, his peer group is his important hub of social development and friends act as an extension of his support network beyond family.
The transition between first and second year in secondary school is tricky, and it can seem that some teenagers grow up significantly over this summer while others don’t. It is not uncommon for us to see disruption to friendship groups in second year. That said, it is still very early in the school year and he is still settling into the school community.
You say your son is struggling and feels he has nothing in common with his peer group. I suggest you start by checking in with him about how he feels the start of the school year is going and if there’s anything he would like to change.
Be led by him and what he wants, and try to hold an open stance — curiosity over certainty.
By wondering if there is something he wants to change you are not telling him that something is wrong. And you must remain open if he tells you he does not want to connect with his school peer group.
Perhaps there is a school band/orchestra/music club that he can join or even start if there isn’t currently one in place? This would give him a specific area to connect with the school community.
Can he participate in activities outside of school with like-minded peers who have shared interests with him? For example, music classes, joining a band, a youth club, or connecting with others who share his passion for gaming. In other words, support your teenager in how he likes to socialise.
Don’t be afraid to use your friendships as examples, perhaps sharing how you met some of your friends, ones you have shared interests with and friends with whom you don’t have shared interests but with who you feel connected because they are good listeners, fun to be around and challenge you to try things you otherwise mightn’t, and how good this is for you.
This may help him see beyond sports and develop a connection with a peer with whom he may not have a shared interest/hobby.
- Joanna's 15-Minute Parenting Podcast episode on Making and Keeping Friends in Adolescence
- If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please email it to parenting@examiner.ie
CONNECT WITH US TODAY
Be the first to know the latest news and updates
