Colman Noctor: You have to work at being a hands-on dad
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How I am as a father bears little resemblance to my father’s role in my life growing up. In the late '70s / early '80s, most fathers did not play a visible role in child-rearing. My father was no exception. A quiet man, he would have taken a ‘hands-off’ approach to the everyday running of our family. I don’t remember him preparing a school lunch, attending a parent-teacher meeting or bringing me to a GP or dental appointment. But that’s not to say he wasn’t involved in our lives in other ways.
Our mother was a nurse who often worked nights - on those occasions, it was just Dad and us. There was always a notable difference in how we behaved when he minded us. Dad had an authority that Mam didn’t have, so if we were fooling around when we should have been in bed, just one roar down the corridor to ‘cop on’ would do it, and the messing would stop.
I don’t have that influence over my children. I think they would be far more likely to fear their mother’s sanctions than mine. I do not lament that I don’t induce that sort of fear, but it may indicate the cultural shift in how we now understand the father's role. In many children’s entertainment today, there is an assumption that all fathers are like Daddy Pig or Homer Simpson - a lazy, bumbling buffoon that notoriously messes up things. I wonder if these characters contribute to the problem of hands-off dads rather than reflect it?
Being the ‘hapless dad’ may be a strategic decision for some as it allows them to avoid specific parental responsibilities. I have heard many mothers speak about how they feel the fathers get the easy side of the deal - they get to be ‘fun dad’ when mum has always to be the serious one. But a problem arises when ‘fun dad’ is the only role a father plays, by default making ‘serious mum’ the mother’s only role. Parental roles have to be mixed and matched to be fair and effective. Otherwise, a ‘good cop/ bad cop’ dynamic emerges, which can lead to children having polarised views of their parents as ‘fun Dad’ and ‘serious Mam’, which can create resentment in the couple.
There is much said about the changing role of fathers in society - the number of dads pushing buggies seems to be the popular reference to confirm this welcome evolution. But the cultural shift of the buggy-pushing father remains superficial. It's still the case that many fathers have never made a school lunch, attended a parent-teacher meeting or brought their child to a medical appointment.
The fathers who take on the 'silly daddy' persona may do so to spare them from any serious involvement in their children’s lives. These men often describe being with their children as ‘babysitting’ instead of parenting. Perhaps the caricature of fatherhood for some is reminiscent of a bygone era.
Fortunately, a growing number of men want to take on child-rearing responsibilities and feel aggrieved when they are excluded. If a child is sick, most schools ring the mother first. When notes come home from their extra-curricular activities, my children often tell me they have been instructed to ‘give this to your Mam’. GPs will often ring the mother about a child’s test results or appointments, despite the father’s number being on file. To be this type of ‘involved’ father, I have found you have to ‘nudge’ your way forward. I have had to make specific requests that I am also informed about things my children are involved in, some of which have been met with a look of confusion.
Being an involved father is something you have to create - it doesn’t evolve organically. Of course, it comes at a cost. Like all hands-on parents, I have had to sacrifice many pre-parenthood hobbies to fulfil my fatherhood role, as most mothers do.
In my previous life, I was an avid golfer and spent most of my free time on the golf course. I have played three times since my first child was born in 2010. I used to love to socialise and go out for a few pints with my friends, yet I haven’t had a drink since 2018, not due to deliberate abstemiousness but more an act of choice. I cannot face a day of standing at the side of GAA pitches with a hangover.
I don’t mention these lifestyle changes to gain sympathy or praise, but to highlight that being as involved as possible in my children’s day-to-day lives was my preference and choice. Do I resent the restrictions on my life? At times, yes, I do. Am I envious of the dads who head off at the drop of a hat to go to Leinster Rugby away matches or those who tell me about their plans to play golf with friends for a weekend? Of course, I am? But I am not alone - many dads like me choose to be more involved with their children.
Over the 25 years I have worked with families, I've noticed the growing difference dads can make when their children are experiencing severe mental health problems. In many incidences, the dad has understood what the child is experiencing and has proven to be a key support to their recovery.
Let's not forget the many granddads who have grasped their second chance at fatherhood with both hands. As I said, my father was not of a generation where hands-on parenting was not a thing, but since becoming a grandfather, he has become more involved than any of us could have imagined. The support he provides to my sister, a single mum of two autistic boys, is incredible. This suggests that his ability and willingness to be a hands-on father were always there, but circumstance and opportunity did not facilitate it. So, let’s give this generation of fathers the opportunity to shine the first time around.
Happy Father’s Day to all dads.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
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