Colman Noctor: Does birth order shape your personality?
Many positive traits can be observed according to our position in the order of birth. Picture: iStock
Stereotypes like ‘typical oldest child’, ‘middle-child syndrome’, ‘spoilt baby of the family’ tend to sound like pop-psychology generalisations. But there is a degree of wisdom behind these generic descriptions.
In the early 20th-century, Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler suspected that birth order leads to differences in siblings. Through research, he discovered a trend that firstborns tended to be neurotic, which he suggested arose after they were dethroned when another sibling came along.
He also considered the oldest children to be more conservative than their siblings and found that the youngest were more ambitious and middle children were optimally positioned to achieve emotional stability.
Order of birth is a consideration in my clinical work. I have always liked the French psychoanalyst Jacque Lacan’s description of how we come ‘into this world in Act 3’ suggesting the context of our arrival is an important aspect of our development.
In my experience, many older children seem to be more anxious and conscientious than their younger siblings. In many cases, the second child tends to be brasher, focusing less on consequences and is sometimes seen as ‘reckless’.
If a third child arrives, then the second child becomes the middle child, leading to a lack of identity within the family. Middle children can feel ‘hard done by’ and become resentful of their siblings.
The youngest child tends to have a more calculated approach to life. They can often be ‘master negotiators’, as they can watch the dynamics of their older siblings. Youngest children can be seen by their siblings as ‘getting away with everything’ as often parents have given up on certain sanctions by the time the youngest comes of age, so the same rules do not apply to them.
Many positive traits can be observed according to our position in the order of birth. Those born last are often described as lateral thinkers and revolutionaries, middle children as peacemakers and team players, and firstborns can show a natural tendency for leadership.
As Adler explained, every child occupies a certain niche within the family and then uses their own strategies to master life.
Attention is the core currency which determines the ‘order of birth’ characteristics. Children exist in an ‘attention economy’ and have to quickly learn how they can protect, preserve or procure as much attention as possible.
As adults, we see ‘attention-seeking’ as being selfish, while attention-seeking in childhood is normal and necessary. If we replace the word ‘attention’ with ‘relationship’, it gives us a better understanding of this dynamic because most children are trying to establish a predictable and reliable connection to their parents.
This feeling of connectedness allows them to feel safe and forms the building blocks of their relationships. Children who are heard and valued develop secure relationships with others and, more importantly, themselves. Still, they will look for tangible proof of this security in time, things and words.
Many children are social justice warriors who watch how time with their parents is distributed amongst their siblings. They will also be vigilant around the equity of ‘things’, insisting that everyone gets the same amount. And they will be acutely aware of how parents use words to describe each of the children, being on constant alert for any discrepancies or favouritism.
From birth, the attention economy becomes a potential hotbed for conflict, dispute or hurt. Oldest children command their parents' attention when they first arrive. Their first-time parents are typically apprehensive, excited and enthusiastic. As the first child, you are the centre of your parent’s world. You receive ‘undivided’ attention, and everything you own is new. This can last for several years, and the first child settles easily into the routine.
Then a competitor suddenly arrives who is often perceived as a huge threat. The birth of another sibling can cause young children to believe they are ‘not enough’ or that their parent's love for them is now ‘halved’. It is not surprising that the arrival of a second child can instil a degree of anxiety in the older child. In most cases, this emotional reaction wanes over time and the oldest child’s initial fears prove unwarranted, but the first few years can be challenging for all involved.
The initial period after the arrival of a sibling can bring lots of testing behaviours, with the older child desperately trying to hold onto their position in the newly constructed group. This experience can trigger regressive behaviours such as the older child becoming clingier, requesting a soother or being carried more. Seeing the new baby is securing attention from immediate and extended family members, the older child may revert to infantile behaviour to get attention.
However, over time the eldest child may realise they get more attention for being a ‘good’ child, like when they ‘help’ with the new baby. This can lead to a belief that to maintain visibility, the oldest child needs to be ‘good’. In some cases, the oldest child can adopt a role as the parent’s second-in-command, which can create difficulties with other siblings who can accuse the oldest of being ‘bossy’, or 'a goody two shoes.'
As the oldest child becomes synonymous with being bossy and conscientious and the youngest being the master negotiator or the one that gets away with things, the middle child can feel hard done by because they do not benefit from exclusive parental attention.
Hardwiring of the brain and personality happens in the first few years of life. Our subsequent character can be shaped by a combination of temperament and our early childhood experiences. The impact of birth order is not something parents need to or can do anything about, but it may go some way to explain how and why our children can have such different personalities and views of the world.
Although parents have no influence over birth order, being aware of this dynamic may help to minimise sibling rivalry. For example, becoming cross with the demanding older sibling after the arrival of a newborn can reinforce their anxiety and belief that they are now a ‘burden’ and have been forgotten.
This can result in a further ‘upping the ante’ in terms of demanding behaviours and a negative attitude toward the new arrival. So, trying to catch the older child being good can help, as can rewarding their ability to wait their turn instead of only supplying attention when it is demanded.
The following scenario describes how the order of birth impacts parenting approaches and children’s view of the world. When the first child drops their soother, the parent will return it to the steriliser and provide a freshly sterilised soother to the child. When the second child drops their soother, the parent runs it under boiling water, cools it and returns it to the child. When the third child drops their soother, it is quickly rinsed under cold running water and handed back to the child.
This example captures the essence of birth order characteristics and how a child’s needs are responded to differ according to the parents’ experiences of parenting. Our birth order can also influence how we negotiate the attention economy, and these skills can last long past childhood. Our birth order may also play a role in our choice of life partner as they may complement or compensate for our character quirks.
As adults, we build on the skills developed in childhood to procure, protect and preserve attention from those around us, shaped in part by our order of birth. These skills can remain our ‘go to’ strategy long after childhood has ended.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
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