In the firing line of a narcissistic manager: 'I had to resign for my mental health'

A boss with the personality disorder can be stressful and may prevent you from getting promoted. Adopting psychological strategies can help, but sometimes the best option is to leave your job

'It got to the stage where I was so stressed, I had to resign for the sake of my mental health'

Simon* is a 50-something-year-old professional whose workplace struggles have inadvertently taught him how to spot narcissists. It all started when he found himself working for a new manager a decade ago.

“He couldn’t have been more charming,” he says. “Looking back, it was like love bombing. Because it didn’t last long. He quickly became dismissive and disrespectful. When I tried to discuss things with him, he denied what was happening and appeared entirely lacking in empathy.”

These weren’t the only problematic behaviours he encountered. His manager began to take credit for his work, and when Simon tried to broach the topic with colleagues, many would defend or minimise the manager’s actions.

“I think they were trying to protect themselves,” he says.

Simon was unwilling to do as they did and continued to challenge his manager. That approach caused the situation to deteriorate further, and he was often given the silent treatment or subjected to angry outbursts from his boss.

“It got to the stage where I was so stressed, I had to resign for the sake of my mental health,” he says.

Looking back, Simon believes his manager was exhibiting traits commonly associated with narcissistic behaviour. “I’ve since learned that narcissists are more common in the workplace than many realise.”

So what is a narcissist? Margaret Parkes is a counselling psychotherapist who supports people dealing with narcissistic abuse. She defines a narcissist as “someone only interested in what they can get out of their relationship with you or in how you can help them serve their needs”.

Sarah Davies is a counselling psychologist who specialises in supporting people recovering from narcissistic partners, parents, and workplaces. She is also the author of Narcissists at Work: How to Navigate Difficult People and Workplace Toxicity. She adds that there is a clinical diagnosis known as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Dr Sarah Davies: 'Narcissists often have childhood histories of emotional neglect, inconsistent attachment, conditional love, or other forms of trauma'

“The symptoms include a deep need for admiration and a marked lack of empathy, often paired with envying others and believing oneself to be special and different,” she says. “It’s estimated to affect somewhere between 1% and 5% of the population.”

That’s up to one person in every 20, which explains why many of us are likely to run into someone with narcissistic traits during our careers, particularly if we work in large organisations.

Some sectors may have more than their fair share of narcissists. “Sectors that have strong power dynamics, such as politics, business, and law, attract narcissists,” says Davies.

Other sectors create the ideal conditions for them to flourish. According to Davies: “Narcissists who have a strong need for admiration will often thrive in an environment with clear hierarchies, measurable status markers, and constant competition for visibility and reward. And in some organisations, qualities like ruthlessness can even get people promoted.”

As Simon’s story shows, working for, or with, a narcissist can take a toll. Davies has had clients who “find themselves dreading Mondays, avoiding meetings and walking on eggshells”. She adds: “Their performance often suffers, not because they lack ability but because they spend so much energy trying to manage the narcissist’s mood. Many experience high levels of stress and burnout, and some lose confidence in their professional identity altogether.”

Parkes says that in organisations where managers are narcissists, people often either leave or stay but end up sick leave. “Employees lose. So do employers. The only ones who win are the narcissists.”

Red flags to look out for

What red flags should alert us to this lose-lose situation? A low-trust environment is one. “If people don’t trust each other, if departments compete with one another, if credit is taken for someone else’s work, or if certain voices are excluded, ridiculed, or disrespected, there’s a problem,” says Parkes.

Withholding information is another. “Narcissists want to be the ones with all the knowledge,” says Parkes. “So instead of sharing, they hoard it and hide it from all but the chosen few.”

A leader who never takes responsibility when things go wrong but is quick to claim credit when they go right should set alarm bells ringing, says Davies. Another warning sign is the charm offensive many narcissists use early on where they subject people to excessive flattery.

She urges employees to be careful around people who are unable to tolerate criticism, even when it’s constructive, or people who shift the blame.

“Narcissists can gaslight you, making you doubt your own observations, memory, and competence,” she says.

Triangulation is another classic narcissistic behaviour. It involves the narcissist playing people against you to create division and distrust.

Finally, there is inconsistency. “Narcissists can be extremely warm one moment and cold and withdrawn the next, often in response to a very minor perceived slight,” says Davies. “You never really know where you stand with them.”

Knowing how to respond

Once you know how to spot one, the next step is knowing how to respond. Davies recommends the SHIELD model, which starts with S for separating emotions from interactions. She explains that narcissists thrive on reactions such as anger, anxiety, or defensiveness. Rather than giving them what they want, try to regulate your emotions so you remain calm and neutral while interacting with them.

H stands for holding boundaries. Parkes advises using ‘I’ and ‘my’ when doing so. She gives the example of being expected to work outside of work hours. “Say something like, ‘My work day starts at 9am and finishes at 5pm. I have to leave now but I’ll attend to this as soon as I can tomorrow.’ You have to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, narcissists will walk all over you.”

I is for ignoring the ego traps and not taking the bait.

E is for empathising without enabling. “Narcissists often have childhood histories of emotional neglect, inconsistent attachment, conditional love, or other forms of trauma,” says Davies. “Beneath their outward confidence or defensiveness is often a great deal of shame, insecurity, and emotional fragility. However, understanding where a behaviour comes from is not the same as excusing that behaviour. Someone’s wounds may help explain why they behave the way they do but they do not remove responsibility for the harm they cause.”

Parkes stresses that just because we can have compassion for someone “who puts others down to feel big, we don’t have to stay around that toxic behaviour”.

Instead, we should pay attention to the last two letters of the SHIELD model, L and D.

Log interactions by documenting everything so you have protection from the lying or denial that may come later.

Finally, decide if the time has come to go. “Not all workplace toxicity can be solved through personal strategies,” says Davies. “Knowing when to leave is one of the most powerful professional decisions you can make.”

Parkes agrees that leaving is sometimes the best choice. “If your narcissistic colleague or boss is lying about you, turning other people against you, not allowing you to do your job to the best of your ability, and continually walking all over your boundaries, even when you stand up for yourself, it starts to impact your health,” she says.

“You cannot change a narcissist. They have to do that work themselves. You may need to walk away.”

Ultimately, that’s what Simon did. “I tried challenging the narcissist I met in my workplace and it didn’t work. In the end, I decided it was best to leave and I haven’t once regretted that decision.”

• *Name has been changed