These are the top 20 questions sex experts are asked by both women and men
We’ve asked sex educators and therapists to share their answers to the questions men and women most frequently ask. Picture: iStock
Are you having less sex of late? Or maybe it’s been parked for longer than you’d care to admit, amid high stress levels from family, work, and financial demands.
Rather than quiet acceptance, sex educators and therapists say that open communication about your needs is key to rebuilding connection and rebooting your sex life.
We’ve asked them to share their answers to the questions men and women most frequently ask.
“You will never crave the sex that does not feel good,” says sex educator Olivia Teahan. “Many of us also need novelty. This does not have to be toys and role play — do give those a go — but know that the novelty you need might be more about how emotionally present you are with the person in front of you. If you’ve got used to a mental checklist of ‘I’ll touch there, then they’ll kiss that, and then I’ll put my hand over here and they’ll …’ you are likely not in the moment, and instead may be in autopilot mode. That could be blocking you from feeling turned on.”
“This is extremely common and completely normal in relationships,” says Paul O’Beirne, a psychosexual and relationship therapist. “Differences in sexual desire are one of the most frequent issues couples experience.
“Contemporary life is full of stressors, and people respond to these pressures differently. What matters most is not whether partners have identical levels of desire, but whether they can talk about it with openness, empathy, and without blame.”
“Pain can be triggered by physical and psychological factors,” says Teahan. “If you’re experiencing hormonal changes that affect the vulva skin, for example, you may need to change [your approach] to sexual touch. Use lubricant, alone or partnered.”
“It helps to be curious and ask what sorts of things have been turning them on lately,” says Shawna Scott, owner of Sex Siopa. “It’s great to have regular check-ins to keep the conversation going, and never assume that what turned someone on five years ago is what will always turn them on.”
“Practice advocating for your pleasure,” says Scott. “The only constant in life is that change is inevitable. It’s so important to be in tune with how we like to receive pleasure, what turns us on, and what puts the brakes on our desire.”
“The orgasm gap — that men orgasm more often than women in heterosexual partnered sex — is real,” says Dr Aoife Drury, psychosexual and relationship therapist. “A very large US-based survey found that men report orgasm rates from intercourse of 70%–85%, whereas women report 46%–58%.
“Expanding the definition of sex beyond penetration and climax can be key to bringing down pressure. Slow things down and focus on enjoyment and pleasure rather than an end goal.”
“Vulnerability is a key component of intimacy,” says counselling psychologist Dr Tim van Wanrooij. “Ways to overcome this include starting slow, communicating needs and focusing on presence. Remember that genuine consent, connection and mutual enjoyment are far more important than ‘perfect’ performance.”
“When we feel anxious, the body enters fight-or-flight mode and blood flow is directed to areas the body believes are needed for survival, rather than to the penis,” says O’Beirne. “An erection is not a measure of your masculinity or your worth. It’s a reflection of what’s happening in your nervous system, your emotions, and your sense of safety.
“When pressure reduces, and people learn to focus more on connection and pleasure rather than performance, things often begin to shift. If difficulties persist, speaking with a GP to rule out physical causes and exploring psychosexual therapy can also be helpful to understand your individual sexual script.”
Erectile dysfunction can also be an early warning sign of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, neurological conditions, hormonal imbalances, medication side-effects, or chronic stress,” says Drury.
“So the first step isn’t about performance fixes as such, it’s having a medical check-up.”
“This is a question I hear more and more,” says O’Beirne. “
My starting point is to move away from shame and towards curiosity. My work with clients is not about banning porn, but about helping them develop a more conscious, balanced, and healthy relationship with it. That might involve understanding triggers for use, diversifying coping strategies, challenging unrealistic sexual scripts, and reconnecting with embodied pleasure and intimacy.”
We need to redefine what sex means, says Drury.
“Culturally, we’ve been handed a very narrow script and idea as to what sex constitutes — linear, goal-driven and ends in penetration and orgasm.
That definition doesn’t just exclude huge parts of people’s lived experience, it actively creates insecurity, pressure and a sense of failure. When we broaden the definition, sex becomes less about performance and more about connection.”
“Without balanced sex education, many young men enter their sexual lives with a narrow script: instant desire, instant arousal, and unwavering erections,” O’Beirne says. “When their bodies do not perform in this porn-influenced way, anxiety spikes and a shame cycle develops.”
“If sex and intimacy are important to you, they deserve dedicated time and space in your life,” says Grace Alice O’Shea, a sex and intimacy educator.
“Since we can’t create time out of thin air, it needs to be taken from somewhere. Consider swapping 30 minutes of scrolling on social media or watching Netflix for some intentional intimate time with your partner.”
“Masturbation frequency is highly individual, and there is no set number that defines problematic behaviour,” van Wanrooij says. “The main point to reflect on is if there is a dependency or compulsivity regarding masturbation: Are you avoiding difficult feelings by masturbating, or do you depend on it to feel good? If so, it’s worth reflecting on and challenging this behaviour.”
“Think broader,” says O’Shea. “If you find yourself stuck in a routine that no longer excites you or feels fulfilling, it’s crucial to break out of it. For example, you could temporarily take penetrative sex off the table and open up new avenues for exploration, creativity and pleasure.”
“Stop should-ing on yourself,” Teahan advises.
“Pleasure is the measure, as sex educator and author Emily Nagoski says.
“Length of time and frequency of sexual touch do not matter unless it is a problem for you.”
“Foreplay is core-play — it’s vital to allow excitement, anticipation and desire to build, and arousal to take effect,” O’Beirne says. “Focus on sensual touch like massage or caressing and lightly touching erotic zones. Oral sex and digital stimulation can also lead to orgasm and ejaculation and remove the focus and pressure put on penetrative sexual activity.”
“Media and pornography often only portray the spontaneous desire style, where a person is immediately aroused simply by thinking of intimacy, says van Wanrooij. “However, many people experience responsive desire, which requires more ‘warming up’ or intentional actions to get into the mood. The invitation here is for all partners to respect each other’s style of arousal.”
It’s recommended to get tested as many sexually transmitted infections can go unnoticed for long periods.
For couples trying to conceive, pregnant, or navigating IVF, “screening is often actively recommended and sometimes fertility treatment won’t be carried out unless these tests are done,” Drury says.
According to the HSE, there is no one-size-fits-all rule for STI testing, but it recommends getting one every time you have a new partner, annually if you are sexually active or if symptoms occur.
“First, map your pleasure before sharing it,” says Karen Egan, a somatic sexologist. “Many people lose connection to what actually feels good versus what they think should feel good. Spend time alone exploring touch that feels nurturing, curious, playful, and not goal-oriented.
“Second, let your nervous system lead the pace. Real arousal can’t be rushed past your sense of safety. Notice the signals: Does your breathing deepen naturally? Do your muscles soften rather than tense? These bodily cues tell you when you’re in a genuine ‘yes’ versus performing or pushing through.”
“Practice saying ‘not that’ during intimacy,” Egan says. “Consent isn’t just the initial ‘yes’, it’s the ongoing ability to adjust, redirect, or pause. Make it playful: ‘Not that, try this instead,’ or ‘Go slower, softer.’ This keeps both people present and responsive rather than following a script.”
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