An introvert's guide to surviving the festive cheer

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year for extroverts, but the introverts among us can struggle with packed parties, endless small talk and disruptions to our routine. We ask experts for their advice

Aoife Lennox: "I can find the sheer volume of events and the noise, crowds, and big nights out completely overwhelming."

Festive gatherings are already in full swing. For many, the next few weeks are scheduled to be a social whirlwind of staff parties, family gatherings, cocktails with colleagues, and get-togethers with friends.

Some will be excited at the prospect of so many opportunities to socialise over the holiday season. But there are others for whom the thought of all this carousing is enough to make them consider Christmas one of their least favourite times of the year.

We’re not talking about The Grinch, that fictional character who famously hates Christmas. No, we’re talking about people like Aoife Lennox from Cork, a self-identified introvert who runs a coaching consultancy (insidestrategies.ie).

“I love the opportunity to get together with family and friends at Christmas,” she says. “But I can find the sheer volume of events and the noise, crowds, and big nights out completely overwhelming.”

Lennox is not alone. Ever since the psychiatrist Carl Jung coined the contrasting terms introvert and extrovert in the 1920s, studies have estimated that introverts make up between 25% and 50% of the population.

Dr Dean McDonnell is a member of the Psychological Society of Ireland and a psychology lecturer at South West Technological University. As an introvert himself, he is quick to point out that it doesn’t mean he dislikes
socialising.

“All humans value connection. What sets introverts apart is their preference for lower levels of stimulation. They can find high levels of external stimulation, such as joining a gang of friends for the 12 Pubs of Christmas, to be too much. While extroverts are likely to be energised by such an outing, introverts will be exhausted and will require quiet time to rest and recharge their social batteries afterwards.”

He says there are many reasons why introverts like him “dread” the festive season. “It’s so much all at once,” he says. “There are multiple social events people have to attend in a short period of time, many of which take place in crowded bars and restaurants, which can lead to sensory overload. 

"There’s the pressure to mingle and make small talk, which is hard for introverts who tend to prefer socialising in smaller groups and deeper conversations over banter and chitchat.  Also, the shops are full of people, lights and noise, which adds to the sense of overwhelm.”

These challenges make it sound as if introverts have no choice but to grin and bear the social demands of the festive season before collapsing into an exhausted heap alongside the wilted Christmas trees come January.

Alison Winfield: “Introverts can certainly struggle with the sensory demands of a houseful of people staying over for Christmas, or work Christmas parties or lots of extra social events on their calendar, but at the same time, they may well love being with friends and family and celebrating together."

Alison Winfield, a psychotherapist at the Mindfully Well Counselling Clinic in Cork, reassures us it doesn’t have to be this way. There are strategies introverts can use to survive Christmas and even enjoy it.

“Introverts can certainly struggle with the sensory demands of a houseful of people staying over for Christmas, or work Christmas parties or lots of extra social events on their calendar, but at the same time, they may well love being with friends and family and celebrating together,” she says. 

“They need to prioritise these relationships as well as carefully manage their time so they factor in plenty of downtime too.”

If they don’t do this, she warns that they can suffer from “an introvert hangover” as a result of too much socialising. 

“This can consist of extreme exhaustion, brain fog and feelings of emotional overwhelm, even irritability and tearfulness,” she says.

Negative narrative

Introverts shouldn’t feel guilty about prioritising their needs, says McDonnell. “Christmas is a time when people can feel obliged to attend events and worry that they are letting people down if they don’t, a negative narrative that can stress introverts out even more,” he says. “We have to counter this internal conflict by recognising our limits and taking control over when and how we socialise.”

Taking control may involve declining some invitations. While doing so may not be easy, Winfield recommends distinguishing between important events you must attend and those you can tactfully avoid.

She then advises “gently setting boundaries so that others understand your needs” and don’t feel personally rejected.

McDonnell’s approach is to “simply tell people that I don’t have the time or energy to attend all the events that are organised for December”.

Dean McDonnell: “There are usually fewer people there then, and you’ll get a chance to connect with the host before slinking off early if and when it all becomes too much."

To soften the blow, he will often suggest an alternative, like meeting up for a coffee during the day rather than going to a party or a compromise, such as attending a dinner but making his getaway before everyone moves on to drinks afterwards. “That way, my social pride and everyone’s feelings are intact,” he says.

Winfield also urges introverts to be honest with themselves about how many social engagements they can attend before running out of social energy. “Can you realistically manage five nights out in a row? Pre-plan the next few weeks so you can pace yourself accordingly.”

Be sure to schedule some recovery time after socialising as, according to McDonnell, “stacking social events one on top of the other is a recipe for exhaustion”.

Lennox has learned this lesson. “If I have a week where I have to work and go out every night, I’ll be drained by the end of it, so I try to space my social engagements out a little,” she says.

“I also set aside time to recharge after socialising. This could be a day or two where I stay home and don’t interact much with others.”

Step outside

If you’re at an event and suddenly feel overwhelmed, McDonnell recommends taking a break. Some people retreat to a quiet space like a bathroom or kitchen, but he finds it best to “step outside for some decompression”.

If you’re worried in advance of an event, McDonnell’s advice is to arrive early. “There are usually fewer people there then, and you’ll get a chance to connect with the host before slinking off early if and when it all becomes too much,” he says.

Finding out about the event in advance can also alleviate anxiety. “Knowing where you are going and who is going to be there will help you prepare,” he says.

Lennox has developed some tactics of her own over the years. “I try to travel to events with someone so I don’t have to walk in by myself,” she says. “I also think about who is going to be there and plan a few conversation starters.”

McDonnell points out that such tactics will also help those who suffer from social anxiety, which shares many symptoms with introversion. “It looks similar as both groups tend to avoid big crowds and shy away from large social engagement,” he says. “But one is a personality trait that comes from wanting to avoid the discomfort of being overstimulated, while the other is a clinical condition that stems from fear of being judged by others. The same strategies can help both groups enjoy Christmas.”

He ends on a hopeful note: “Christmas can be an enjoyable time of year for everyone,” he says. “It’s just that getting the most out of it will require some planning for introverts.”

McDonnell has his own ways of making Christmas special. “My partner and I go to Wild Lights at Dublin Zoo, but we go before it gets
properly dark, as it’s not too packed then. We also go to Christmas markets during the day when it’s quieter. There are lots of ways of getting into the festive spirit that aren’t loud or busy or bombarding.”

Lennox also celebrates in ways that align with her introverted nature. “Rather than big pub nights out, I go for dinner or to the theatre or concerts with friends. But mostly I have a lovely, quiet Christmas with my husband and our three sons.”