Seeking support from Pieta House: ‘It was easier to open up to a stranger than to family’

At 18, Dean Hayes was grieving the loss of his grandmother and grappling with coming out as gay. He turned to Pieta House for help and has since become an active volunteer with the charity

Dean Hayes: "I come from a really supportive family, but, at the time, I felt like I was a burden. So I reached out to Pieta House, and the staff were fantastic.” Picture: Patrick Browne.

Most people in Ireland will be familiar with Pieta House. Opened 19 years ago, it has since then helped more than 70,000 people who have suicidal thoughts or who self-harm. 

Each year, it answers 100,000 calls and texts via its crisis helpline and provides 50,000 hours of counselling at its 20 locations around Ireland.

Dean Hayes from Campile in Wexford was 18 when he first sought the services of Pieta House. In 2014, his grandmother died of cancer. Dean signed up for a charity skydive with his cousins to raise money in her memory.

When he arrived at the skydiving centre, he was told he was too heavy to do the skydive. “At that time, I was also dealing with being a gay man and the grief of losing my Nana. It was a difficult time, but that comment took me to rock bottom.”

Hayes was aware of Pieta House’s work. One of his cousins had died by suicide a few years before, and his family had used Pieta’s bereavement counselling services. Now, with Dean himself experiencing suicidal thoughts, he reached out to the charity.

“I didn’t want to burden my family, as we had just lost my nana. I know now that I wouldn’t have been a burden. 

"I come from a really supportive family, but, at the time, I felt like I was a burden. So I reached out to Pieta House, and the staff were fantastic.”

After calling the free Pieta helpline at 1800 247247, he was referred to the Pieta centre in Wexford for in-person counselling. “From the first session, the counsellors made me feel welcome, and it was like talking to friends.

“I suppose, I found it easier to open up to a stranger than my family, and, after just one session, I felt so different. I went from feeling very low to feeling much more positive.”

Dean Hayes: "I spoke with the Pieta counsellor. She helped me understand that there was no need to change me. After I came out of that session, I told my family that I was gay. And I’ve never looked back since.” Picture: Patrick Browne

The counselling was crucial in helping him through a difficult time, particularly in dealing with his sexuality and personal challenges. 

“Being gay and coming out as gay had become a massive thing in my head. I kept thinking about how I could change myself.

“But, then, I spoke with the Pieta counsellor. She helped me understand that there was no need to change me. After I came out of that session, I told my family that I was gay. And I’ve never looked back since.”

In 2016, Hayes took part in Operation Transformation. He credits the confidence he gained working with Pieta House counsellors for being able to take that step. 

“I would never have had the courage to take part if it wasn’t for the work I did at Pieta House, and getting through the experiences I’d had.”

Student nurse Hayes attended counselling at Pieta for over a year, and whenever he felt he needed additional support, “the door was always open for me to go back”.

Since then, he has become an active volunteer for Pieta House. In memory of his cousin, he has done the Darkness into Light walk for the past 10 years, and, last year, he organised a walk in his former hometown of Rosslare.

“It was the first time it had ever been in Rosslare; we’re back there again this year. Last year, we had more than 350 people walking, and we raised €13,500; it was phenomenal. 

"The support in the community, when it comes to something like this, is exceptional,” says Hayes.

A life saver

At any given time, Pieta provides ongoing counselling for almost 7,000 people, says Paula Coyle, clinical services manager at Pieta House.

“And all the services are provided free of charge, with no need for a referral. We want the Pieta services to be as accessible to those needing them.”

According to the latest available figures from the Central Statistics Office, 449 people died by suicide in 2021 (359 males and 90 females). The rate of self-harm in Ireland is 196 per 100,000 people, says Coyle, although she is quick to point out that this figure only represents the people who have made themselves known at hospitals.

“We know there are more open conversations about mental health these days, and that’s a good thing, but we are also seeing a rise in demand for our services. The 14-to-25 age group continues to be high-risk, with issues ike cyberbullying becoming more prevalent and relentless.”

The Darkness into Light events are vital to the Pieta House story. The fundraising event provides 87% of the service’s annual income. “It costs €18m to run Pieta House services yearly,” explains Coyle. “These are the crisis helpline, the counselling services, intervention, and bereavement.

“We now have over 200 full-time counsellors working at our 20 locations nationwide. And our 24/7 helpline is manned by those qualified therapists, which is unique.”

Darkness into Light events take place on Saturday, May 10, starting at 4.15am.

Around 100,000 people are expected to participate in this year’s events all over the world. “The registration fee of €22 enables our crisis line to handle two calls, so you can see just how important each registration is,” says Coyle.

Hayes puts the life-changing impact of the charity in stark terms: “To be honest, I think if I hadn’t gone to Pieta House, I wouldn’t be here today.”

• See Pieta.ie

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