Can a long-term relationship survive without sex? 

Children, work, stress, age, and incompatible libidos can put an end to the sex lives of long-term couples. However, the spark can be reignited through open communication and, in some cases, psychosexual therapy

When libido is unequal within the relationship, this can be problematic

The sex lives of long-term couples will have peaks and troughs, but what happens when there is no sex?

David and Lucy, in their late 50s, have been together since their 20s. They share a home and run a business together, love each other dearly, but haven’t had sex in a decade. Her libido flatlined at menopause, and his was never high. Initially, they felt they should do something about it, worried that their relationship might fall apart. It didn’t. It just shifted gears. They remain intimately connected, just not sexually.

“Intimacy is an important aspect of long-term relationships, but it need not always be sexual intimacy,” says psychosexual psychotherapist Aine Ward. “It can be physical or emotional, intellectual or spiritual intimacy.”

A no-sex dynamic works, providing both parties agree. Problems arise when there is an imbalance in desire.

“If you can’t talk about it together, talk to someone,” says Ward. “And if one person is reluctant to speak [with a sex therapist], the other person should go anyway.”

Sexless relationships appear to be a preoccupation: we type the words into Google 21,000 times a month. Finding accurate statistics is difficult, because of people’s reluctance to be frank about being in a sexless relationship. Even the standard therapeutic definition — sex 10 times a year or less — is problematic. (Wouldn’t a sexless relationship mean zero times a year?)

An approximate figure is that between 15% and 25% of relationships are sexless, although this can fluctuate during different life stages.

“Things generally change for all couples after the honeymoon phase, at the start of the relationship,” says psychosexual psychotherapist Anthony Burke. 

Sex and sexual desire change across our lifetime, and this can be very different for different couples.

Daily life — from parenting to overwork to ageing — does its best to dampen our ardour. These factors include “having small children, work stress, ill health, medication, menopause, change in hormones, relationship conflict and poor communication, as well as simply getting stuck in a routine”, says Burke. “Psychosexual issues, such as erectile difficulties, premature ejaculation or penetration pain disorders, such as vaginismus or dyspareunia, can also have a significant impact on a couple’s sex life.”

Sex within a relationship can be “ever-changing”, says psychosexual psychotherapist Aoife Drury. “Our desire ebbs and flows, and can be impacted by various issues (job loss, mental ill health, grief, fertility issues, etc), or more enduring components, such as struggles with body image, ageing, or having children.”

Resentment, disappointment, or disconnection between partners can also play a part, she says.

“Recognising that desire discrepancy is a normal part of relationship dynamics can decrease stress and create more opportunities for open, effective conversations.”

Mismatched libidos

Relationships often have become sexless due to a straightforward breakdown in communication

When libido is unequal within the relationship, this can be problematic: One person wants more sex than the other.

“There is no normal when it comes to sex drive, and, therefore, mismatched desires can be a common problem for couples,” says Burke. “This can be a challenge to navigate in order to ensure that both partners are fulfilled in the relationship. As long as you’re both willing to discuss and work on things, it’s very possible to stay connected emotionally and physically and maintain a healthy, happy relationship.”

But what if you’re not? Chris and Mags, both in their 40s, initially had lots of sex, but he had specific preferences he found difficult to discuss with Mags and moved away from her towards porn. Their sexual connection stopped, and she felt rejected. He felt unable to address it, either with her or with a sex therapist, but they loved each other and didn’t want to separate.

After several years of no sex, she broached ethical non-monogamy. Not wanting to lose the relationship, they made it work. They remain together, but have separate sexual lives.

This is a creative approach to maintaining a sexless relationship without deception or rupture. However, relationships often have become sexless due to a straightforward breakdown in communication: Sex has fallen away because the two individuals have stopped communicating effectively in real life as well as in the bedroom.

“Problems with sex can be a manifestation of something going on in our relationship,” says Burke. “The sexual difficulties can have a negative effect on how you relate to your partner emotionally. Often, when our sex drive reduces or becomes problematic, we stop touching each other altogether, which has a major impact on how connected we feel as a couple.

“Sex then becomes the elephant in the room that neither partner feels comfortable enough to discuss or try to resolve. If sexual issues are left unresolved, they can become an emotive topic, where you might avoid the subject of sex, which can lead to arguments, and this can undermine closeness within the relationship.

“Often, those partners that have a psychosexual issue may feel shame and lack of confidence, due to the sexual difficulties. But the other partner may also feel a lack of confidence and that they are part of the reason for the difficulties, so may not feel that they are enough within the relationship. These are all compounded when the issues are not spoken about.”

Rejection, shame, shut down — none of these things feel sexy.

Going to a sex therapist takes courage. It’s admitting that you can’t fix things by yourselves, but are willing to try something beyond yourselves. And, like libido, this willingness can often be mismatched, with one party more reluctant than the other to open up to a professional about their innermost intimacies.

Communication breakdown

A relationship and sex therapist can prove transformational.

Fifty-something Liam and Jenny’s sexual connection had become erratic and mechanical, and their daily communication increasingly superficial. Eventually, they went to see a relationship and sex therapist.

At first they found it difficult: Jenny called it the “squirm factor”. But it proved transformational. Instead of focusing on sex, they focused on communicating and reconnecting, on no-pressure affection and honesty. Gradually, they began to reconnect sexually, but with a new frankness and openness.

“Resistance to attend therapy is normal and understandable,” says Ward. “It is a daunting step, and it can feel anxiety-provoking. Focusing on reassuring each other that therapy is a tool and is a space to, hopefully, benefit you both is an important reminder as you set out on the journey.”

It’s not only long-term couples who stop having sex: Millennials are famously sexless, too. It’s not just because they’re numbed out from porn. Fatigue, busyness, to-do lists, anxiety, pressure, and being stuck in their heads can all lead to a lack of arousal.

“There’s an expectation that sex is a natural part of a relationship,” says Ward. “But sex is an activity between two people that needs to be prioritised. It doesn’t just always happen.”

Sex matters. Unless, like David and Lucy, you are on the same page in terms of sexless intimacy, it’s otherwise an important part of the relationship.

“Sex often forms a large part of the feeling of intimacy and connection between partners,” says Burke. “It can help a relationship to flourish. However, while some couples may value sex, others may prioritise other forms of physical or emotional intimacy, such as kissing, holding hands, snuggling, hugging and playful touch. Regular touching releases positive chemicals in our bodies that reassure us and soothe us.”

Fatigue, busyness, to-do lists, anxiety, pressure, and being stuck in their heads can all lead to a lack of arousal.

Kissing is arguably far more intimate than sex. Relationship psychologist John Gottman suggests the six-second kiss, which allows the body enough time to produce oxytocin, while reducing cortisol.

But what if you’re currently not in a kissing place? How do you get things back on track?

“Increasing your physical affection as a couple is really important: Sex starts long before a couple is in the bedroom,” says Burke. “Small acts of romance and affection throughout the day will help you feel more emotionally connected and enhance your desire for physical connection.”

He also suggests talking openly about sex and desire and taking the pressure off any expected outcome. “Prioritise being connected and intimate without penetration or orgasm being the objective,” he says. “Try new things together: Reading books about sex, buying sex toys, and finding ways to spice things up keeps things interesting.”

Letting go of expectations is also crucial. “We think that sex should just happen and be spontaneous, like it potentially was at the beginning of the relationship,” he says. “However, this is a myth for most of us. Scheduling some form of physical intimacy in relationships is really important, given that we all have such busy lives. This helps make sex a priority and takes the pressure off one partner having to initiate, which they may not want to do in case they are rejected.”

So date night, but without the pressure to ‘perform’. And if none of this works, seriously consider sex or relationship therapy to get you over the bump.

“If you and your partner have tried to get your sex life back on track, but are feeling stuck, or are still having issues, then going to a psychosexual therapist is a very useful way to help couples reconnect sexually with each other,” says Burke. “Psychosexual therapy can also help reduce a couple’s fear or vulnerability of talking about sex, which allows them to communicate their sexual desires to each other, which is often the sexiest thing of all, and significantly improves issues.”

It’s never too soon, and it’s never too late.