Sex File: Why do I cry after great sex?

The phenomenon is called "postcoital dysphoria", or "post-sex blues", and it is characterised by melancholy, sadness, crying or sobbing after sexual intercourse

Mon, 23 Dec, 2024 - 11:58

Suzi Godson

Why have I started crying after orgasm with my lovely new boyfriend, even though the sex is great? I'm in my late 30s, and this has never happened with previous partners or on my own. I feel embarrassed and a bit hollowed out for a while afterwards. What's going on?

First of all, there is no reason to feel embarrassed. The phenomenon you describe is called "postcoital dysphoria", or "post-sex blues", and it is characterised by melancholy, sadness, crying or sobbing after sexual intercourse.

Although there has been very little research into it, the studies that do exist suggest that it is more common than you think. An Australian study of 222 female students found that about one in three reported having experienced postcoital dysphoria, and one in ten reported experiencing it in the previous month.

Although the exact causes aren't fully understood, we do know that during sex and orgasm the body releases a mix of hormones and neurotransmitters that activate the reward centre in the brain and are associated with feelings of love, connectedness and sexual pleasure.

The hormone prolactin, which is released after orgasm, is associated with feelings of relaxation, but it can also bring on emotional sensitivity.

One theory is that after the high of orgasm, the rapid decrease in these chemicals leads to an emotional "crash", which some people experience as sadness or crying. It makes sense, but science has not conclusively proved any of it.

Even so, it might be worth tracking your menstrual cycle to see whether there is any correlation between this and your symptoms.

I suspect that as you get to know your partner better and your confidence grows the symptoms will subside, but in the meantime you should probably reassure him so that he doesn't start worrying that you are unhappy with him or with the relationship.

You will rapidly diffuse any anxiety that he might be harbouring if you tell him that the sex you have with him is such an intense experience that your emotions come to the surface. That may actually be the truth, although I can understand why crying feels like a paradoxical response to an experience that is meant to be pleasurable.

If this has never happened to you before, it is worth thinking about why it might be happening now and what it might mean.

There is an increasing tendency to pathologise physical responses that we don't understand rather than simply acknowledge that our mind/body connection might be trying to alert us to something that we are blocking from our consciousness.

I don't know where you are at in your life right now, what your previous relationships were like, whether you already have children, or whether that is something you would like to happen.

But I think it is safe to say that meeting a new romantic partner when you are in your late 30s carries a bit more weight than meeting someone when you are in your late 20s.

You may be holding on to some unspoken expectations about desired outcomes and this may be creating a level of subconscious apprehension. If you have been single for a while, or you feel a bit emotionally vulnerable, your tears may genuinely reflect a mix of anxiety about the future and sense of relief that you are in this lovely new relationship.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting those feelings out. Crying is a physical manifestation of vulnerability - and vulnerability is the beating heart of all intimate relationships.