Sex File: Christmas stress is ruining our sex life - what should I do?

"Between office parties, Nativity plays, Christmas shopping and cramming a fortnight's worth of work into five days so that you can take a stress-free week off over Christmas, this is just not the time of year for languid lovemaking"

Mon, 16 Dec, 2024 - 02:00

Suzi Godson

We are both going through incredibly stressful pre-Christmas periods at work, which have completely tanked our sex drives. Missing out on our usual intimacy is making things worse. How can we keep our connection going without adding to our anxiety?

I worked till 10pm last night (Friday) having got up at 5am yesterday morning to do Christmas shopping before the online delivery window closed. Standing in the kitchen with a quadruple espresso, I watched my husband prepare to leave for work and I felt an overwhelming need to be hugged. Still in my pyjamas, we stood in the hall and he put his arms around me and rubbed my back. I felt flooded with relief and melted into his arms.

It was just what I needed. That short blast of warmth and connection was a tiny but effective antidote to the stress of a hectic workload, bone-aching tiredness, and domestic guilt about the fact that we haven't even got a tree yet. It reminded me that when two people actually like each other, it really doesn't take much to get things back on track.

Although you are desperate to fill the sex-shaped hole in your Christmas calendar, bad sex is worse than no sex. If you are both exhausted, why not cut yourself some slack and settle for skin-to-skin cuddles as you pass out at night? When you are super-stressed there is no point in trying to carve out sexy time for each other because you won't be able to relax.

Between office parties, Nativity plays, Christmas shopping and cramming a fortnight's worth of work into five days so that you can take a stress-free week off over Christmas, this is just not the time of year for languid lovemaking.

Face it: you can't fight the festive season and you can't change it either - unless of course you decide to go to Goa next year, which is an option I consider every Christmas Eve as I strangle myself with sticky tape.

Because Christmas is such a hyper-stressful, hyper-social, hyper-commercial whirlwind, my advice would be to roll with it and just snatch whatever physical connection you can get as you reach across the sheets or pass each other in the hall.

If you do find yourselves in the mood for a quickie, consider it a medical intervention - orgasms are great stress relievers and can improve sleep, decrease anxiety and depression and improve mood.

The other option is to make an official pact to not have sex at all before Stephen's Day. You may find that giving each other permission to "not have sex" while you feel so drained and overwrought ends up having the opposite effect.

Human beings are very contrary, and when something or someone is not immediately available, it increases curiosity and desire.

A period of abstinence can make sexual reunion even more rewarding because the wait creates a huge amount of tension and anticipation.

When you brush past each other in the kitchen, linger slightly longer as you kiss each other goodbye, or hold hands watching trashy festive telly, you are not only electrifying the connection between you, you are ensuring that you'll both have smiles on your faces once the festivities are done.