How to use the word 'no' and let go of festive stress
Feeling shattered? Having the best Christmas ever couldn't be simpler — say no to whatever you don't want to do. Picture: iStock
Having the best Christmas ever couldn't be simpler — say no to whatever you don't want to do.
Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But unless you live in another galaxy, escaping the annual admin-heavy pressure-fest we call Christmas is difficult, if not impossible. Opting out makes you a Grinch. Opting in means you’ll have started fielding invitations, demands and other people’s expectations by early November so that by mid-December, you’re frazzled as a parsnip. Especially if you’re a woman, socialised to accommodate everyone’s needs but your own. You need to unlearn this craziness. You need to say no.
Unless you are minted, this is probably a flat no. Rather than shouting ‘You think I’m a tech billionaire?’, instead use an ‘I’ statement: ‘Um, I don’t think I can do that this year’. “Begin your sentences with ‘I ‘ whenever possible,” advises Prof Eva Doherty, psychologist at the Royal College of Surgeons Ireland.
“This is the cornerstone of being assertive.” Adds Gillian O’Gorman, aka The Burnout Coach, “It's easy to feel inadequate when everything looks flawless, which can lead us to do more, buy more, and strive for an unattainable ideal. This can result in overwhelm, especially when we feel responsible for creating the perfect experience for everyone.” Allow this headspace to dominate, and you’re doomed. Ignore the marketing onslaught and keep it simple.
You’d rather eat turkey giblets than have the entire extended family crammed into your house for three days as you wait on them like a slave in a sparkly frock. Use a gratitude sandwich to say no. “Thank you, I’m so flattered! But that’s not going to be possible this year. I’m honoured you asked me, though.”
Christmas traditions need not be rigid: “It’s useful to remember traditions can change over time,” says Caroline Conlon, an organisational psychologist at Munster Technological University. “If something didn’t work for you last year, it might be useful to start some new traditions.
“Our Christmas attitudes to gift giving, family dynamics, taste in music, events, and socialising can have a mixed emotional effect on people. Nostalgia and the need for social connectedness are important to people at this time of year and can be key to understanding how people view attending work Christmas functions.”
No. No. No. No. With a labour-dodging partner, you can be a little blunter than you would be with a relative. “The key message is to say no without giving a reason,” says Doherty. “A reason gives the other person a right of reply.”
Basically, they want you to spend the day in the car. You want to stay in your own nice warm home. Emotional blackmail is a classic Christmas tactic and can be counteracted by something called your Absolute Yes List. This list, created by life coach Cheryl Richardson, can help you identify what really matters to you at Christmas.
“Whether that’s specific values like fun, support, or harmony, or particular goals and events you want to prioritise, by being clear about what you want to say yes to, you create a powerful filter for making decisions,” says O’Gorman. “Sharing your Absolute Yes List with your family and inviting their input creates collaboration and ensures everyone is on the same page.”
If it’s not on the Absolute Yes List, it’s an absolute no-no.
You don’t want to lose your job by throwing a mince pie at your boss, so it's best to negotiate.
Conlon recommends strategies from Heidi Grant Halvorson, author of , as a useful framework at this time of year: “Not taking on too much, getting specific on obstacles, being a realistic optimist, and sticking to a plan.”
Present your festive plan as early as possible so nobody will try to override it.
What? Should I spend my lunch breaks frantically trying to find stuff for Noreen in sales and Dermot in accounts? Not a chance.
Caroline Conlon suggests, “Building a little grit and sticking with your boundaries is key. Sometimes ‘unlearning’ a few habits can serve us well.”
Again, the gratitude exit is useful: ‘Thanks so much for asking but I can’t do it this time’ and then nominate someone else.
You can feel your eczema flaring under your reindeer jumper. “Have a few ‘no’ statements ready to use,” says O’Gorman. “Many of us are so conditioned to say 'yes' that we struggle with saying ‘no’ in a way that feels natural. Having go-to phrases on hand can make boundary-setting easier and guilt-free.”
She suggests:
• “I’m going to say no this time, but I really appreciate the offer.”
• “I’m already tied up with other plans, but I appreciate you asking.”
• “I’ve hit my limit for now, so I can’t help out this time.”
Unless you’re the boss, this should be fairly easy to overcome. Family-related excuses, such as a 90th birthday party, work well.
It’s tricky with friends. Unlike your relatives, you have chosen them to be in your life. But that doesn’t mean you always have to say yes. Again, employ a 'no' statement – try something like “I’ve got too much on my plate at the moment, so I’ll have to pass” and personalise it to suit the situation. Don’t over apologise either.
The problem is your pal has a limitless capacity for hedonism while you don’t. You’d love to see them, but not for a debauched all-nighter. Allow lunch to save you. “No thanks, you know I’m a lightweight, but how about lunch?” Win-win.
You are invited for an intimate dinner, but you don't like your friend's partner Super-tricky, this one. “Give yourself space before responding,” suggests O’Gorman. “Taking that pause allows you to assess how the request fits into your priorities and ensures you’re responding with intention rather than out of obligation.”
Obviously, great delicacy is required. But by all means, swerve it.
Did they forget that panto is your least favourite thing after the dentist? Will you have to sit through a whole evening of Widow Twanky? Oh no, you won’t. Here, a classic No-I’m-not-free statement will work, with the added bonus of offering your ticket to a wide-eyed, grateful child, making you look magnanimous.
“Thinking about what is important to you at Christmas time is a good way of starting to sketch out a new boundary,” says Conlon. “If people think about what they like and dislike about Christmas, a pattern on what Christmas traditions are important to the person will emerge quite quickly.” And panto won’t be one of them if you don’t want it to be.
You’re up to your eyes in festive prep. But saying no is openly declaring yourself a Grinch. Tell them you admire what they are doing but are not free, make a fat donation to the orphanage, and hide if you hear them carolling up the garden path.
Here you have choices — either evade (‘I can't find my purse/wallet right now’), or be honest (‘Sorry, I've bigger concerns right now’), or you could use one of Gillian O’Gorman’s 'no' statements: “I can’t take that on right now, but thanks for asking.”
What, on the actual beach, or worse, in the actual sea? Even if you stay on dry land it will be freezing and everyone will be disgustingly hearty and jolly. “A key strategy is to get clear on what’s okay with you and what’s not,” says O’Gorman. “Reclaiming your autonomy means knowing your limits and communicating those boundaries early. Boundaries are most effective when we set them before reaching the point of overwhelm. By setting clear expectations, everyone knows where you stand, helping to avoid misunderstandings or resentment later.” Let them know you won’t be there in July.
In some situations, the only answer is yes.
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