Sex File: Caring is taking a toll on our lovemaking

"Sometimes adversity brings people closer together and, during hardship, sex can soothe in a way that kind words can't. It's not a cure-all, though..."

Mon, 22 Jul, 2024 - 10:15

Suzi Godson

I am 49 and the mother of a teenage son with profound additional needs.

My husband and I have managed to stay connected amid all the hardship and joy, but lately our role as carers has been impacting our sex life.

I feel like an old woman already. Please could you help me to reframe my thoughts? I feel despondent about the future.

Sometimes adversity brings people closer together and, during hardship, sex can soothe in a way that kind words can't. It's not a cure-all, though, and I can totally understand why things feel particularly difficult for you now.

As you say in your longer letter, when your friends had younger children, the difference between your son and his peers was less pronounced.

But as your friends' children transition to adulthood, the contrast between your son's restricted experience and their increasing independence is much more stark.

It forces you to think about ageing, which is hard for everyone but especially difficult for you because it brings up anxieties about your son's future.

You've spent years looking after him but you are about to turn 50. That's a big transition and you need to start looking after yourself.

How long is it since you saw your GP? Have you had a blood test to find out your hormone levels? You are almost certainly perimenopausal - the average age at which menopause starts is 51 - and that will be affecting your wellbeing, your energy levels and your desire for sex.

Most women experience perimenopause for about four years before their periods stop completely, but some studies have found a noticeable decline in sexual function 20 months before women had their last menstrual period.

Your GP will advise you, but HRT can make a real difference and there are more benefits to your health if you start it early rather than waiting for your symptoms to worsen.

You must look after your relationship too. I know it is not as simple for you as it is for other couples, but you need to start carving out some time for each other.

Whether you take a bath together or have a lie-in one day a week, organising some time where you can be 100% present for each other is crucial.

If there is any way you and your husband can get respite care for a few days, take it. Even if all you do is talk about your son, you need the space and time to reconnect physically and recharge psychologically, creating conditions that may also rekindle desire.

I think you would benefit from couples counselling too. People think it is synonymous with conflict but it is actually a useful tool for couples who are facing new challenges, or who are uncertain about how to navigate big life transitions.

Your situation is very specific, so it would be helpful to find a counsellor who has relevant experience.

British-based counselling psychologist Joanna Griffin has created Affinity Hub, a website that supports parents of disabled children.

Griffin's son was born with hemiplegia, an injury to the brain that affects movement and has associated learning and emotional difficulties.

That experience led her to conduct research with parents of disabled children. Inevitably, they expressed feelings of depression (60%) and helplessness (52%), but most also said that having a child with special needs had helped them to put their life into perspective (80%), to grow as a person (70%) and to become more tolerant (65%) and resilient (65%).

Right now things are hard, but take care of yourselves as well as you do your son, and you will get back to joy.