The relationship audit: How to check in on your marriage or long-term relationship

When faced with pressure from family, work and finances, a marriage can run along parallel lines. We ask experts to outline critical questions couples need to consider

Committed relationships can be sustained by talking about needs and wants, with regular touch and intimacy, and time for one another. Picture: iStock

You've been with your partner for what seems like an age. Your relationship is ticking over, and you mostly get on. 

But is there room for improvement? Take our audit to find out.

How often do you sit down together?

“Couples say, ‘Sure, we’re sitting together all the time’. But what kind of time is it?” asks psychotherapist and relationships therapist Bernadette Ryan. “You could be beside each other, but on your phones.”

Ryan emphasises the importance of being present to each other in long-term relationships. 

“It’s about being aware, putting away all technology and distractions, not discussing the logistics of your life; but really sitting together and having a good chat, even if just for an hour a week.

“This quality time is about paying attention to each other, about connecting, particularly nurturing the emotional connection, holding hands, looking at each other, bringing a bit of romance back in, reflecting on when last you had a really interesting talk.

“It’s ‘am I taking my partner into consideration as I used to? Are they doing that for me’?”

When did you last learn something new about your partner?

“We think we know our partner so well, but people develop internally. A healthy marriage allows for the growth of both people while still in the relationship, and each partner is happy for the other’s success,” says Ryan, who recalls what Belgian-American psychotherapist and author Esther Perel said: “She hoped to have seven marriages in her lifetime: All of them to the same man.”

Instead of taking an ‘I take care of you’ and ‘you take care of me’ approach, Ryan recommends ‘I take care of me [my growth] for you — and you take care of me [your growth] for me.’

She says you can prevent staleness by rediscovering your partner. “Ask yourself, ‘I wonder what they think about that?’ Ask them the question — and be interested in what they say.”

Do you talk about your relationship?

“Telling each other regularly what you value, appreciate, and enjoy about each other and your relationship helps reassure couples of their commitment and love for one another,” says Mary Johnston, couples and relationship counsellor with Accord.

Discussing any ‘little bumps’ in the relationship is equally important. “Saying, ‘There’s something that doesn’t sit right with me, that I’d like to change’ is important. Because if not spoken about, [issues] can fester, cause anger, resentment, and disconnection.”

It’s about keeping in touch and helping your partner get to know you, says Johnston, who recommends talking regularly about your dreams and hopes. “What would [each] like to happen in the next year or six months? Maybe do up a sunroom or get healthier by going walking together.”

How do you deal with conflict?

‘I hate conflict’ is a phrase Johnston hears a lot. “Yet conflict is normal in relationships: We’re not going to see everything the same. What matters is how people manage conflict.”

Citing research from the Gottman Institute that 69% of conflict between couples cannot be resolved — but can be compromised and negotiated upon — Johnston says: “It’s how we behave towards each other in conflict that can cause damage.”

She describes four behaviours as “lethal” in conflict situations: Defensiveness, personal criticism, stonewalling, and contempt. 

“If we can manage to be respectful, listen to the other person, try to understand where they’re coming from, and be open to negotiate or compromise, that’s constructive.”

And if we’re emotionally heightened and fear not being able to listen and speak calmly — but, instead, be at risk of being rude and insulting — it is vital we take some time. 

“Say, ‘I don’t think now is a good time for us to talk about this; I need some time before we come back to it’.”

Do you share the household chores?

“This is less about who does what and more about clear communication around how the chores get done,” says Anne McCormack, systemic psychotherapist and member of the Family Therapy Association of Ireland.

“For some couples, it works that chores aren’t shared, but only in situations where this has been communicated clearly,” says McCormack.

She warns that without clear communication, resentment can build if one person feels they’re doing more than their fair share, or the work they’re doing isn’t being seen by the other.

The outcome of a clear and open talk about chores could be “as simple as divvying them up, or each taking turns at particular tasks: One does the laundry, the other the dishes,” says McCormack.

“A red flag is if we can’t communicate about this, or if we try, and the other gets defensive.”

Do you maintain eye contact when you talk?

Eye contact is a way of connecting, of showing your true self to someone, of communicating that you are present with them in that moment, says McCormack.

“It’s an important ingredient when it comes to attachment, and it’s important to make moments of connecting with each other that involve eye contact.”

Not making eye contact is not necessarily a sign your partner is being negligent of the relationship, she says. 

“You might be having a conversation while feeding your child breakfast. You could be tired or have other things on your mind, but if it continues to happen it can feel like disconnection.

“If someone is feeling unloved, unappreciated and taken for granted, lack of eye contact can intensify those feelings. The other person can feel you don’t even see them.”

If your partner is almost always looking elsewhere or past you and not making eye contact, it needs to be addressed. 

McCormack suggests using “non-blaming” language — ‘it feels like we never get to even look at each other anymore, because we’re so busy’—and then waiting for your partner’s response and taking the discussion from there.

Do you kiss and hug each other daily? Do you kiss to say hello or goodbye?

Clinical psychologists and researchers John and Julie Gottman say if we do our ‘hellos’ and ‘goodbyes’ well, we’re utilising an opportunity in our relationship for deeper connection.

According to the Gottmans, happy couples make an effort to learn one thing that is happening in their partner’s life before saying goodbye in the morning — for example, lunch plans with a friend or a doctor’s appointment.

What Dr John Gottman calls ‘a kiss with potential’ happens when you see your partner again at the end of the day. 

He recommends sharing a hug and kiss that lasts at least six seconds and then having a stress-reducing conversation, which he says usually follows the question, ‘How was your day?’

McCormack points out that not all couples see each other daily. “What’s important is feeling like your partner wants to be close to you. That can be enough to make you feel strongly connected to the other person.

“If you’re in a relationship where kissing and hugging isn’t happening, what are your beliefs about that? Do you believe your partner may not want to kiss or hug? Or has it just evolved like this and you know that if you were to put in the effort, it’s something your partner would enjoy and welcome?”

If kissing and hugging are important to you, communication about it is key, says McCormack.

When was the last time you made each other laugh?

Laughter is vital in relationships and couples often don’t prioritise it, says McCormack.

“A lot of relationship stress can be dissipated when there are moments of strong connection through laughter.”

For couples who don’t laugh together or share a joke, McCormack says the solution could be as simple as “getting out of your familiar surroundings and doing something different, so you have a new space in which to connect”.

The unfamiliarity, even the slight awkwardness newness engenders, may well provoke a few laughs, she suggests.

Ryan agrees. To inject fun and a new sense of connection, she often suggests creating an ‘activity jar’. Couples put a range of activities, representing things each partner would love to do — and that the other partner would be OK doing with them — into the jar. Each weekend, the couple pulls out an activity to do, allowing them to try something new together.

Research by psychologist René Proyer shows how play can strengthen communication, resilience, and overall relationship satisfaction. 

He counted four types of relationship-enhancing playfulness: “Other-directed playfulness involves good-natured teasing of [the] other. Lighthearted playfulness involves seeing life as more like a game than a battlefield. Intellectual playfulness: People like to play with ideas and solve puzzles. Whimsical playfulness: Liking unusual activities, people, or objects.”

Do you still enjoy sex?

Your sex life is your sex life: It is individual to you, says Johnston.

“Don’t measure yourself against something you’ve seen in a film or heard about in some anecdotal scenario. Sometimes people get caught up on the frequency of sex: That’s not what it’s about [either].

“Be aware your sex life can ebb and flow over the years. Sometimes, there’ll be lots of sex, other times less (if children aren’t sleeping, one partner has a health condition, or is stressed at work), and that’s fine.

“Sex is broader than just one particular act. It’s about feeling close, about physical touch. It can be about romance and a nice atmosphere. Seeing it in its broadest terms, it’s getting warmth and comfort from one another’s bodies.

“It’s helpful if couples can talk to each other about what they like and don’t like to do sexually. And to always keep in mind that sex is mutual and about both pleasing and being pleased; and that consent is a must.”