Sex File: I can't move on from her affair

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After a bad patch in our marriage a few years ago (which I take responsibility for) my wife had a brief affair, which she confessed to me, and we have worked through in counselling. 

Although we love each other very much, and I trust her, I'm haunted by thoughts of her with her lover when we're in bed ourselves. How do I exorcise them?

With difficulty. Even though you have been through counselling and acknowledged your accountability for the "bad patch" that preceded your wife's affair, your letter suggests that you didn't fully process the experience at the time. 

Unless a couple make a mutually agreed decision to open up their relationship, sleeping with someone else throws a hand grenade into any marriage, and people often react in strange ways. 

Sometimes the fear of losing everything that you have built with your partner is so paralysing that you forgive them before how you really feel has a chance to sabotage the possibility of repair.

In the counselling business, this is called "cheap forgiveness". It is a superficial form of forgiveness that is given prematurely as a way of avoiding pain. 

Basically, you want the problem to go away so you brush your emotions under the carpet. Needless to say, it never works. 

You can't ignore trauma and when a marriage is rocked by infidelity it is naive to think that ignoring the issue will make the relationship go back to the way it was before. 

Forgiveness is never about restoring what was there before. The relationship has to change, otherwise forgiveness just equates to denial.

Real forgiveness is possible but hard work. You can go through the motions with a counsellor and it can seem as if you have salvaged the relationship, but to do it in a way that truly allows you to put the past behind you takes a long time. 

Because all of this stuff happened a few years ago, you probably feel that dragging it all up again would rock the boat, but it will actually stabilise it. 

Telling your wife that you are still troubled gives you both an opportunity to talk, and because so much time has passed, some of the emotional heat will have gone. That's a good thing because it means you can move beyond blame and shame.

The most important thing to remember is that you both chose each other and committed to the marriage. From that place of security you are now free to reveal how vulnerable the whole experience has made you feel. 

Your wife needs to bear witness to that heartache and you need to acknowledge the hurt, loneliness or isolation that compelled her to have the affair. 

I suspect that you can do this together, but if you need help, going back to your counsellor would be a good idea. 

This process will probably leave you both feeling emotionally chaotic, but if you continue to be honest, you will achieve the true intimacy that eludes you right now.

One of the biggest hurdles in the path to forgiveness is building a new sexual connection because the 'other' person keeps crawling into bed with you like a ghost. 

The psychological distance that exists between you and your partner creates the space that allows that intruder into your bed. 

The only way to close the gap is to strengthen your emotional connection by talking to each other and re-establishing trust. 

Be patient and be kind, to yourself and to your wife, and you will get there.

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