Who I am: Dealing with your changing identity as life goes on

Physical changes, relationship shifts, empty homes... can all lead to feelings of loss of identity for people over 40. We talk to six women about achieving contentment at this stage of life

Mon, 14 Aug, 2023 - 20:00

Yvonne Reddin

What does losing your identity feel like for people over 40 and can we reconnect with ourselves when we reach a certain age?

Every decade is diverse and consequently brings along various life challenges. In particular, women may suddenly have an empty home and are no longer pulled in every direction with children; also there are physical changes to women’s bodies that they have to adjust to; there are matrimonial changes when you may find you are single once more — the list is endless.

But that person looking back from the mirror has changed over the decades and can sometimes be unrecognisable. How can we reconnect with that person who is now answering to a first name again?

Some people may say an identity crisis is the same as a midlife crisis. And then there's this definition on choosingtherapy.com — “A midlife crisis is characterised by the realisation that one’s lifespan is likely halfway complete, which can bring on existential questions related to one’s identity, purpose, as well as deep reflection regarding the life that one has chosen and may wish to have, moving forward”.

It does say that your life span could be halfway complete but what about the other half? Maybe it means there is still time to be 'you' again.

Here’s how some women are balancing identity and personality evaluation with aging positively:

Fashion stylist, Cathy O’Connor has recently launched the Women Unbranded campaign and says: “Women Unbranded aims to create social change towards aging in the fashion and beauty worlds. The over 40-woman experiences both a lack of representation and a lack of direct communication from brands that she is loyal to. The effect of this invisibility can result in too many women questioning their identity and their value in the world."

Julie Ann Relihan (42) is a colour stylist based in Galway and understands how important the clothes we wear are in expressing our identity. After a marriage separation and embarking on a new chapter in her life, her love of fashion prompted Julie Ann to study personal styling and colour analysis with The London College of Style.

This has enabled Julie Ann to teach others to create their bespoke style and discover their exclusive colour palette. Julie Ann says: "Knowledge is power. When times are tough and the day presents challenges, I have experienced directly how dressing in clothes I love, having an organised wardrobe, putting on a bright lipstick, and wearing my best colours bolster me, give me confidence, and make me feel stronger facing the world.”

Julie Ann’s grid on her Instagram page @julieann.relihan displays her love of colour.

If styling is not what you feel you have misplaced, perhaps it’s realigning your original mindset BC (Before Change) with who you are now AC (After Change) to see if you can now become the woman, you always wanted to be.

Aoife Ryan is a relationship mentor and says: “I work daily with women (and men) who have become disconnected from themselves and by extension disconnected from those around them. We work together to find a way back, back to the self that has always been present and calling out for love, care, and compassion. This process of reconnection with self, of relationship with self, is hugely powerful and moving. And I encourage all women to pause, take a breath, and realise that you are worth giving time to, you are worthy of care and love, and it's ok to be selfish and put your needs forward too."

You can find more info about what Aoife does at aoiferyan.ie

Angela Cox is a certified executive, business and transformational coach and NLP practitioner (neuro linguistic programming) and offers a range of bespoke services to strengthen your confidence and self-belief.

“Women don’t come to me because they’ve lost their identity. They come for personal/career growth, wanting to create impactful leadership and build a successful life/career balance. They want to enjoy the process and the benefits they deserve. From our coaching sessions, they realise that their identity/their true essence is 'the engine' that drives their actions. Keeping your identity current, reconnecting with who you truly are, is a liberating and exciting process that will make this chapter a smashing success and boost your personal leadership and bring on new opportunities.”

You can find information on Angela’s services on yourability.ie

On the flipside, what if you don’t have that invisibility shroud or feel like life is passing you by.

Kate Rooney is a performance coach and founder of The OnLegs Agency and works alongside women. She says: “Loss of identity doesn’t resonate with me but I work with so many women for whom this is indeed the case. I have found it to be very prevalent on the run-up to the Big 50, especially that sense of women losing themselves.”

Claire Mason is a thought leader publicist and also doesn’t feel invisible in her 40s. She says: “I’ve never been more visible than I am now slap bang in the middle of my naughty 40s. But it didn’t happen of its own accord. It’s the result of a commitment to live in alignment with my own values, the input of an exceptional psychotherapist, and a decision to relentlessly explore my mindset. We are not compelled to accept the limitations the status quo culture wishes to impose.”

Felicity Hayes-McCoy is 69 and a full-time novelist whose memoir The House on an Irish Hillside (Hodder & Stoughton 2012) is about to be published in a new edition by Open Road Media. Felicity shares how she feels about identity as we age: “I’ve never felt invisible, but it wasn’t until I was in my late 40s that I balanced the life I’d chosen with the life I’d wished to have. I fell in love with the West Kerry Gaeltacht in my teens — the place, which was more beautiful than any I’d ever seen, and the people I met have a tradition of looking at life in ways that were deeper, richer, and wiser than any I’d known."

“I dreamed of living there but I also wanted a life that would take me to the bright lights and bring challenges I couldn’t find in Ireland. So, I went to London and built a career writing for radio, TV and digital media. It was fun, exhausting, fulfilling and, for decades, I believed I was satisfied. Yet something I’d almost lost touch with was missing. I’m now 69, and for the last 21 years my husband and I have divided our time between a little house at the end of the Dingle peninsula and a flat in a former jam factory in inner-city London. When I started out, I wouldn’t have had the courage, knowledge, or energy to recognise that need for balance, let alone to achieve it. Now I can see how reconnecting with my teenage dream fuelled the next stage of my career, as a non-fiction author and a best-selling novelist. It was literally a case of going back to allow myself to move forward.”

There is still lots of time to live life to the fullest for the next half of your life, just plan out what you need to implement now so that people see the new you — or the you who's always been here.

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