Survivor's guilt: How to move forward after tragedy or loss

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When we think of the psychological phenomenon of survivors' guilt, we think about a death, loss, surviving or witnessing a tragedy, and facing a torrent of emotions after such a traumatic event. 

But this guilt is not always embedded in surviving a death when someone else sadly did not. 

When someone we know experiences tragedy, receives a difficult diagnosis, or is suffering physical or mental pain, it can be difficult to be happy, to move forward, and even support our friends through their individual and personal crises. 

Learning to live alongside the upsets of those closest to us is important so that we can support not only ourselves in difficult circumstances but also those closest to us.

“Along with times of feeling safe when others have suffered, survivor’s guilt can be linked to cognitions and regret over what we feel we should have done more of, and at times, guilt over the things we did do,” says Dr Anne-Marie Casey, Senior Clinical Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland.

It can be difficult to recognise the feelings of survivors' guilt but the common effects include flashbacks to the altering incident which can result in nightmares, consistently thinking about the scenario and playing out different versions of it to see what we could have done differently to avoid the occurrence, believing that we did not do enough, feeling helpless, finding it difficult to move past what has happened, and being irritable or frustrated, having mood swings and trouble sleeping.

Linda Breathnach, Psychotherapist

“There are times when we can experience survivor’s guilt without realising it,” says psychotherapist, Linda Breathnach. “It can hold us back or cause us to act or react in certain ways unconsciously.  We might feel guilty or ashamed of laughing or enjoying ourselves when we know a friend is going through a difficult time. We might try to overcompensate for this guilt by putting our own lives on hold or being over-responsible for the family members of our friend.” 

As with other mental health challenges, there are ways we can learn to cope and come to terms with that feeling of survivor’s guilt.

Casey says that as with most things, our usual coping strategies such as seeking comfort from people who can relate and understand, self-care strategies, along with the passage of time, are enough to combat the complexities of survivor’s guilt.

Encouraging ourselves not to ignore our feelings is perhaps the first step in identifying what we are experiencing. “It’s important to recognise the presence of complex feelings when you are suffering from survivors’ guilt,” says Casey. 

“Guilt can be a block to experiencing other emotions below the tip of the iceberg, such as grief, and avoiding sadness. When we bring kindness to try and understand why we are feeling these emotions connected with survivors' guilt, it can validate these emotions, give them a voice, makes us feel less isolated, and normalise these experiences allowing these feelings to pass.” 

Casey suggests that survivor’s guilt can sometimes function as a way of having a false sense of control over the uncontrollable. 

Take some time to consider what you are feeling guilty about. Is it because you feel it is unfair or that you are not living your life to your fullest? 

Anne Marie Casey, TCD Psychologist

When survivors' guilt takes over, it’s worth remembering that you do not have to justify surviving, being healthy, or even being happy.

When we are stuck in a very distinctive and negative thought pattern, it can be difficult to get out of a catastrophising loop of self-blame and guilt. 

“This is where self-awareness is key,” says Breathnach. “Being honest with ourselves, having a place to express our feelings, journalling or talking to somebody supportive outside of the situation can help bring how we really feel out into the open and prevent it from unconsciously driving us.” 

When struggling with our mental wellbeing, staying connected is not always that easy. 

Our minds feel somewhat fragile in processing the information surrounding the scenario, meaning we can easily isolate ourselves from those we are hurting for. 

However, Breathnach suggests “using your supports rather than just focussing on supporting your friend” as we must first care for ourselves before we can care for others.

“Survivor’s guilt can be experienced as a continuum with feelings of low-level intensity to loss of joy to despairing hopelessness, which at its extreme can interfere with your ability to carry on your activities of daily living,” says Casey. 

“It takes time and patience.” 

It is important to know this feeling is normal and is a healthy sign that you are a compassionate person. 

It can however take over your thoughts and affect your daily life. If you find you are struggling, it’s important to get help. 

Professional support, such as a therapist or counsellor, can help you through the challenge and trauma you are experiencing.