Do you get angry a lot? It can be a useful emotion

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Anger is one of those taboo emotions attributed in part to social and cultural beliefs that anger is impolite, unstable, and therefore should be subdued. 

But anger is a pressure cooker, built from these suppressed emotions or overwhelming situations, infused with an intense energy ready to be released. It’s the unpredictable nature, the volatile response, and the confusing reactions and feelings that make it taboo. From political unrest to economic disruption, even road rage, as a society, the raw reaction of anger is all around us. 

How we associate with anger, whether it is mild frustration or all-consuming blow-outs, can determine our perception of this intense emotion meaning we can fear it, oppose it, or allow it to be a functional and useful emotion that highlights our unmet needs.

Susi Lodola, a cognitive behavioural therapist accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy says, “Anger is a valuable and essential emotion. It is related to our “fight, flight, or freeze” response of the sympathetic nervous system, and is often difficult to control due to the intense physiological reactions, but anger can be explained from different perspectives. One being that anger stems from unmet emotional needs and another view is that anger is an expression of unmet beliefs and expectations. However, in my opinion it is a combination of both.” 

Because anger is impulsive and therefore unsettling, it may appear as an element of our personalities that we struggle to control, understand, or acknowledge. As such, anger is recognized as being a “negative” emotion to be avoided. The idea that anger is wrong, or explosive can lead to anger being suppressed. But it is a normal and natural response.

“Looking at anger from the perspective of unmet needs, you might express anger to mask emotions that cause you to feel vulnerable, such as hurt or shame,” says Lodola. “All our emotions could be described as an expression of met or unmet needs. For example, emotions such as love, happiness, confidence and being excited are an expression of met needs, and painful emotions such as sadness, anger, hurt, and frustration, for example, are expression of unmet needs. 

"Unmet needs are linked to one of our four core needs, which are safety, love, integrity, and self-actualization. You may get angry when your safety is being threatened, when you feel rejected, when someone has taken advantage of you or when you have been blocked from doing something that is important to you. Anger can distract from the pain we are feeling from unmet needs, by shifting away from inward focus to external focus, and anger is expressed against a situation or a person instead.” 

Susi Lodola, Counselling Psychotherapist.

 This emotional response of anger can lead us to retaliate against the situation or person, making for some quite uncomfortable interactions as we enter that fight, flight, or freeze response to the situation.

 “Circumstances and other people, however, do not cause anger,” says Lodola. “Anger is the result of how a person interprets and views what happened to them. Anger involves a complex combination of body sensations, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.” Lodola recommends getting to know your anger and taking a mindful attitude towards your triggers which can help manage intensive anger reactions and focus on addressing those unmet needs.

“You can respond more effectively to your anger when you are prepared for it,” she says. “Shift your awareness to how your body reacts when you are angry. You might feel your heart racing and your palms feel damp. Try and tune in to what other emotion you are experiencing underneath the anger and what thoughts are going through your mind. Some people find it helpful to keep a journal to reflect on their experiences of anger. 

"You can then explore what that emotion is telling you about your unmet needs.” As anger is triggered by circumstances and situations, a person can identify their unmet needs in these instances and learn how to alter their reactions when triggered in this way. “Be curious about why you find it difficult to express an unmet need,” says Lodola. 

“Try to communicate your need and explain how you feel when the need is overlooked and not met. Taking a mindful self-reflective and curious attitude towards anger is a process and doesn’t happen overnight.” Anger is a reaction to certain circumstances, often driving us to action. As studies have shown that repressing anger is not good for our health, it is worth understanding what anger is trying to tell us about our unmet needs before it becomes overwhelming and unmanageable.

“Anger is not something that should be cured or suppressed,” says Lodola. “It can be used constructively as a catalyst for change. You can look at anger as a wake-up call and a sign that you are disconnected from your needs. You might be stuck in an unhealthy relationship or an unsatisfactory work environment. Exploring your anger might lead you to setting boundaries around relationships or motivate you into action to find another job.” 

ANGER IS AN ENERGY

Consider anger as a catalyst for change and acknowledge what it is trying to tell you before it gets out of control by using these simple steps:

• Accept that anger is a normal human response.
• Identify why you are angry.
• Reframe your expectations from the situation by identifying what you can and can’t control.
• Harness that emotion to motivate you and direct change.