Talk To Me: I don't get on with my boss 

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

Picture: iStock 

I’ve never had an easy relationship with my boss. We’re about the same age, but that’s where the similarities end. I’m a chatty person who enjoys the office banter. By contrast, she is serious and keeps her head down all day. At meetings, she often ignores me - and there’s never any praise. I get on well with other colleagues and managers but there’s been no change in her attitude towards me in the five years since she joined the company. There are plans to return to the office full-time, and I dread it.

Michael Scott in  The Office and Miranda Priestly in  The Devil Wears Prada conjure up images of terrible bosses. TV shows and movies can offer us light relief and at times a mirror of our experiences. However, the workplace is where we spend a significant amount of time and who we share that space with can impact our sense of belonging, our sense of achievement and overall wellbeing. Navigating complex workplace relationships can be anything but entertaining.

Ideally, we would all enjoy nurturing and appropriately challenging relationships with our bosses, but the reality is often different. The first step is to understand that your boss’s behaviour may be the result of stress. It may be useful to draw on your good relationships with others to see if you can gain insight into her role. I note you get on well with other managers. They may be able to offer particular insight. She may be feeling huge pressure. This awareness may provide you with new opportunities to become her ally. It is harder to ignore someone who is key to your success.

Our working relationships largely depend on a few key factors: a goal that is understood and shared, agreed tasks and rapport. In your case, I am assuming that the goal box is ticked as there is no indication of an issue with the focus of your work. Nor do I get a sense that you are struggling to complete the tasks set. However, the bond you have with managers is another variable. 

Your boss may not place as much importance on building an alliance as you do. She may believe the relationship exists solely for the purpose of completing tasks in the service of the overall goal. For this reason, she may not see a function in building anything other than a transactional type of connection with you. In which case, it might be wise that she does not offer qualitative feedback as that would require a stronger bond, insight and trust.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Picture: Moya Nolan

It is possible that your boss is under a lot of pressure and believes she cannot ask you to do more than what has been agreed. In such an instance, the second step, if you want to build a stronger connection with her, is to opt to take on more tasks to lighten her load. If you choose this path, remember your goal is to enhance your working relationship. If that does not happen, be prepared for the final step. If you understand your boss's situation, have added value to your role and taken on extra responsibilities, and still have not managed to establish a working alliance that helps you achieve at work, you may need to walk away. There is rarely a benefit in suffering in silence.

Having a social network at work can help assuage our innate drive to connect with others. You may need to have that requirement met through the rewarding relationships you have with others in the office. Now that you are returning to the workplace, it might be helpful to understand the importance of those relationships and the limitations of the relationship you have with your boss.

Contemporary companies which seek to harness diversity report increased productivity and employee satisfaction. There is a lot of guidance available for companies interested in supporting a diverse employee pool. However, most of it is directed to aid managers in understanding, accommodating and bringing out the best in diverse team members. Yet, the message is the same for all staff: not all of your colleagues, whether peers or managers, have the same experience of the workplace. Some will need to minimise interactions so they are not overwhelmed, as this could reduce their capacity to focus on the work. 

It is wise therefore to remain curious about your boss’s way of interacting with you. She may be able to offer a new way of discussing your value to the organisation if you open the conversation with her. Increasing your understanding of how she approaches her job may enable you to learn new skills. People who are neurodiverse have often acquired highly established strategies to problem solve that neurotypical employees do not have. A neurodiverse team may demonstrate greater creativity and innovation when faced with novel problems.

Take time to consider how you can benefit from this opportunity. In addition to the elements of goal, tasks and rapport in building a good connection with our bosses, the workplace culture plays a role. The context in which we work has changed. We are required to be agile, creative and pioneering. This is true of the work and of how we build productive workplace relationships.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to [e-mail]