Talk to me: I'm a divorced mum and want to start dating again 

Psychologist Caroline Martin answers your questions 

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My husband and I divorced two years ago. It was a painful process, but we've a good working relationship about caring for our two young children. I'm lonely and would like to start dating again - I'm in my early 40s - but my confidence is at rock bottom. Every time I look in the mirror, I see a sad and unattractive woman looking back at me.

Some mirrors belong in the realm of fairy tales. Over the last few years, you have navigated tricky terrain. You’ve become intimately aware of a legal world you had no intention of being familiar with when you embarked on your journey with your now ex-husband. Your successful navigation has required not only great strength but also determination, compassion and grace. It is no small feat to declare that you have succeeded in achieving a “good working relationship” to care for your children. This working alliance will undoubtedly undergo several iterations as your children grow, so the struggle to get to this point serves as an important foundation.

While the divorce may have been finalised two years ago, it is likely that was simply a legal ruling, reflective of a difficult and long period. It can take some time to grieve a marriage that did not last. The busyness of settling a divorce and establishing a revised relationship with a former partner can delay the grieving process. I suggest you gently check-in, asking yourself if you’ve had the space to grieve the loss of all that you assumed would be.

 Your beliefs about yourself and sense of security may feel compromised. Your self-worth may be low. As parents, we can feel a societal pressure to “suck it up” or “get on with it”. It is wise to acknowledge any unresolved anger, guilt and sadness. These emotions are valid, yet we often ignore or stuff them down inside. Indeed, ignoring and not accepting these difficult emotions can cause subsequent psychological or physiological difficulties. If you feel there are some residual emotions relating to the breakdown of your marriage and the divorce, you might want to connect with a therapist or online support group or spend some time on self-directed reflection.

Your strength, determination, compassion and grace have been directed outwards for some time and I wonder what it might be like to turn that inward for a while. As a divorced parent, you are engaged in several complex relationships, and yet, the most important relationship you will have is the one with yourself. The words we use with ourselves are impactful, we must therefore take care to intentionally use kind, gentle and forgiving words. This may not come naturally or easily, so it can be helpful to imagine what you might say if someone spoke to your close friend the same way you talk to yourself. Tune into the conversations you have with yourself and consider whether you would accept that for a friend.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

Another tactic is to remember that just because you have a thought, it does not make it true. Our thoughts should not be treated as facts without a bit of fact-checking and evaluating their helpfulness. If we can create space between untrue or unhelpful thoughts and reality, we leave space for different possibilities. In the first instance, we must create space to feel deserving of love. This may require us to unlearn ways of being or to relearn ways of being in this new post-divorce world. We spend our childhood and youth learning, yet, as feminist Gloria Steinem says, “the first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn but to unlearn.” 

 Our sense of self in relation to others outside our family of origin is typically formed during our adolescence and young adulthood, a period synonymous with clumsy yet critical trial-and-error type learning. During these times in our lives, we learn how we can show up in the world and have meaningful and intimate relationships. This learning has possibly served you in the past, but some of it may now be limiting. In your youthful quest to have those meaningful and intimate relationships, the need to develop self-compassion and understand your core values may have been curtailed. This is a great starting place for you to explore and have fun. Take time to consider what you love doing, to be adventurous and creative. Take time to connect to people in those new spaces. Take time to notice yourself in those spaces, hear your own laugh, feel the lightness of your movements, enjoy yourself. Get to know yourself again and for the first time.

Relationships can be profoundly healing and afford us an opportunity to grow and change. Enjoying a range of healthy relationships with family and friends creates the security that allows us to be vulnerable in any new intimate relationship. Good relationships offer us reflections of ourselves and, as poet Rumi wrote, “the one who has a good friend doesn’t need any mirror.” 

 Take good care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to [e-mail]