Mind your business: Stop putting women under pressure to have a baby
Society often places the onus of childbearing on women’s shoulders.
‘Any baby news?’ Show me a woman in 2021 who is not left uncomfortable, triggered or exasperated by such a question. Or, to put it in Instagram speak, tell me you’re a woman of childbearing age, without telling me you’re a woman of childbearing age.
A recent post by Rozanna Purcell casts a razor-sharp eye on the absurdities that women in their 30s face. Mainly, intrusive questions about starting a family, or unsolicited advice to get a move on ‘before it’s too late’. “The fertility clock is ticking,” a stranger informed Purcell. And she is not a woman alone.
Some 23,000 likes later, the comments on Purcell’s Instagram post have become a battle cry, of sorts, for incensed women who are fed up with constant scrutiny, angry they are being reduced to the sum of their reproductive parts, exhausted by society’s perennial insistence that motherhood equals peak womanhood.
The scenarios, naturally, differ — maybe I’m trying, maybe I don’t want to, maybe I can’t, maybe I don’t know yet, maybe there’s more to life — but, crucially, the same resolve rings true: it’s none of your business.
In a dystopian twist, it comes hot on the heels of a new report that advises women of child-bearing age should be “prevented” from drinking alcohol. Conversely, this was not an excerpt from a Margaret Atwood novel, rather advice from the WHO's Global Alcohol Action Plan 2022-2030 which states that “appropriate attention” should be given to preventing drinking among women “not only pregnant but of child-bearing age”.
For context, it’s a cohort that doesn’t just include pregnant women, rather all women from 18 to 50 years of age. Such generalisations only highlight how women are held to different standards than men, particularly when studies have shown that alcohol can impact semen volume and quality, too.
Sadly, it’s not the only occasion where society places the onus of childbearing on women’s shoulders. Insensitive language used surrounding starting a family — ‘get cracking’ or ‘your biological clock is ticking’ — propagates that the responsibility lies with the woman, that a woman’s sole purpose is to procreate and, as the report suggests, the wellbeing of a baby that doesn’t yet (or may never) exist takes priority over the woman’s.
For journalist and author of Vagina: A Re-education Lynn Enright, it shows how the women of Ireland have become used to a certain kind of reproductive hypocrisy.
“It swings from, ‘You shouldn’t have a baby; a baby is the worst thing that could happen to you’ in your teens or early 20s to ‘You should have a baby; why don't you have a baby?’ when you hit your 30s,” says Enright.
A baby comes with a prerequisite that your life is ‘together’, tied up in a neat, camera-ready bow. “There's an expectation that it will happen at a specific point that is well organised, well thought out — not too old, not too young, not too precariously employed,” says Enright.
Natural fertility specialist Jessica Bourke (@thefertilitydetective) witnesses first-hand the pressure a thoughtless comment can put on a couple. The reason being that fertility issues “go to the very core of us as humans”, she says.
Such stress can have a knock-on effect, too. Prolonged periods of stress raise levels of cortisol in the body which has an impact on sleep, while the sleep hormone, melatonin, is linked to egg quality. The result is a toxic circle which sees couples become “stressed about being stressed”.
“I work with a lot of patients who've had cancer treatment and they’ve said fertility issues are on par,” says Bourke. Bourke is not alone in this observation: a study in the US showed that women dealing with infertility displayed depression and anxiety levels similar to those with cancer, HIV or heart disease.
Bourke’s Tedx Talk 'Infertility: The Hidden Struggle' considers why we continue to internalise infertility as a personal failure.
As the national average for first-time mothers in Ireland rises to 32 years of age, women choose to have children later for many reasons; health, finances, further education, relationships, to name a few. Those who delay motherhood in favour of other pursuits are often subject to scrutiny and a scaremongering kind of rhetoric. ‘Is she selfish?’ More startlingly, ‘Is she irresponsible?’
But the root cause of infertility Bourke sees with many patients isn’t delayed pregnancy, rather health issues: “Environmental exposure to toxins, a poor diet and lifestyle are all factors.”
Meanwhile, a 2020 research study carried out by DCU on voluntary childlessness dismantles the archaic idea that eschewing motherhood is selfish. In fact, it’s proven the opposite.
“It wasn’t a decision rooted in selfishness or being self-centred,” says Dr Rita Glover, assistant professor in psychotherapy at DCU. The 15 female participants — aged between 30 and 48 — displayed a capability to follow their innate wisdom, or their gut instinct.
“These women listened to an inner wisdom that told them choosing to be childless was a healthy and responsible choice for them.” They were more inclined to veer into altruistic endeavours. “This freed them up to contribute to society in different ways such as further study or social work.”
It’s not a choice without stigma, however. “There is judgement and what’s interesting is that it seems to be coming from other women in a similar age group,” adds Glover.
So intense is the pressure, some older participants expressed relief — and excitement — to check out of the child-bearing age bracket. “Some were joyfully anticipating menopause because it would free them of the burden of commentary like, ‘Are you sure you won’t change your mind?’, ‘You'd make a great mother’,” says Deirdre O’Keefe, an MSc psychotherapy graduate who conducted the survey.
In the workplace, the trajectory of a woman’s career often coincides with the window for childbearing. Cue: a number of companies gaining headlines for expanding maternity and parental leave policies, as well as introducing egg-freezing. While this has the potential to positively reconstruct the binaries of motherhood — once women do not feel pressure to delay pro-creation — it speaks to a larger issue.
It’s a class matter, says Enright. “We should be mindful that when we talk about these progressive policies at some companies, we are talking about a lucky minority,” she says. “It’s shocking that currently in Ireland there is no comprehensive State-funded fertility treatment.” The lack of recognition only inflames the misconception that seeking fertility treatment is a ‘lifestyle choice’.
However, the workplace has the potential to pioneer a new normal. If the bill related to Reproductive Health Related Leave that’s currently before the Seanad is enacted it would provide an entitlement to reproductive leave of up to 20 days for women who suffer an early miscarriage and up to 10 days leave for employees receiving treatments such as IVF.
“Policy is useful as it allows us to have parameters to talk about these things. I think if we're better at having these conversations in the workplace, we’ll be better at having them outside of it,” says Enright.
A positive move forward requires legislation and better conversation in public life to reduce the pressure on the individual — baby or no baby. As Enright says, “The well-being of women, their health, finances and career, should be supported — whatever life path they choose.”
I never considered not having kids until I got an endometriosis diagnosis six months ago. Initially, being told by my doctor that I had a very narrow window to have children put me under severe pressure. That’s when I realised I might be having children for the wrong reason; you can't have children just because the egg timer is on.
I was struck with a fear that in years to come I'd look back and resent my child. But that doesn’t stop the pressure: oftentimes, at my mum's house, she is jokingly prodding myself and my husband up the stairs encouraging us to “make a grandchild”.
In my workplace, 90 percent of the conversation in the staff room is about people’s kids. There’s a moment when the chat inevitably goes to, ‘When is it your turn?’ A lot of people I know are having one-child families just to get their family off their back. If you were to ask people whether they are doing it 100 percent for themselves, I don't know how many people would say yes.
Since we hit pause on trying, I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The side effects of my endometriosis have lessened and I'm not in as much pain. As a society, we need to change the way we view childless couples. It's either ‘They must be very selfish’ or ‘God bless them, who's going to look after them when they’re older’, both of which are condescending. I disagree with the idea that a child will make you happy. You have to find the happiness within yourself first.
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