Dr Colman Noctor: Working from home is not child friendly

"Our children need somewhere to escape to and somewhere where they can just ‘be’. Right now that needs to be their home."

Tue, 30 Mar, 2021 - 17:14

Child psychotherapist Dr Colman Noctor

‘Are you finished your meetings now?’ my six year old said to me excitedly, as I came out to make a coffee before I started to deliver an online webinar.

‘Not yet buddy. Why? Are you missing me,’ I asked as I ruffled his long Covid-19 hairstyle.

To which he replied: ‘No, I just wanted to know when we could use the wifi again’.

The irony is that it was 7.30pm, and I was about to facilitate a ‘parenting’ webinar from my home office, also known as the playroom. Earlier in the day, I had instructed everyone to ‘come offline’ as I needed all the wifi, and ‘no messing on the stairs’.

In a recent online panel discussion about ‘workplace wellbeing’, we debated the pros and cons of working from home. While many employees were clearly lamenting the loss of the physical workplace, there was also a significant cohort who reported never wanting to return to the office again.

It had little to do with a fear of Covid-19, instead, it was not having to commute, being able to do the school runs and the new-found flexibility was something they did not want to give up. However, it struck me how often that what we think we want, may not be what we need. Although we can see how working from home can positively impact some aspects of family life, there is almost always a downside to it.

Perhaps the last year has impacted home life even more than we realise. With so many parents working from home, it is important to reflect on whether our concept of ‘home’ has undergone a transition.

For most of us ‘home’ does not just mean where we live or sleep, ‘home’ is a state of mind. Ideally, a place where we feel safe, nurtured and loved. It’s seen as a sanctuary or refuge from the stresses and strains of the outside world. The ritual of getting home and putting on our casual gear and chilling on the couch, confirms home as a place of relaxation, privacy and peace.

But over the past year, there have been times when our kitchen was our classroom, our parents were our teachers, our family members our annoying co-workers and our playroom is now our office. And although the homeschooling demand is no longer an issue, the dynamic of the ‘home office’ is still in place.

What we need to remember as parents who are working from home is that with more freedom, comes fewer boundaries. Those who are in favour of remote working will claim that ‘we can work from anywhere’. However, the downside of this freedom is that we can now also ‘work from everywhere’.

Working all day and night

Only this week, my son’s bedtime story was interrupted by a phone vibrating in my pocket, to which he sighed and rolled his eyes. These types of intrusion have become ever more frequent in the last year, where I find myself working more and more over the weekends and later into the night, with little or no ‘off the grid’ time. Even though the recent school returns have helped provide some semblance of structure, the nature of our ‘pandemic lives’ means that the separation between night and day, weekday to weekend and working and not working has almost blended into insignificance. Much of the time it feels like that period between Christmas and New Year where we end up having a Wispa from the selection box for breakfast.

Prior to the pandemic, Monday nights were a non-runner for scheduling work arrangements, because it was my tag rugby night, which was sacrosanct. The weekends were always off-limits too because I was usually driving from the GAA pitch in the morning to coach my son’s soccer team in the afternoon.

The absence of these other commitments has left empty spaces which we now filling in a variety of ways. I am someone who quickly reaches their Netflix limit and, as a result, I have found work a welcome distraction. I changed jobs mid pandemic where I went from working onsite (in St Patrick's Hospital) to working remotely (in UCD).

My New Year’s resolution was to say ‘no’ to things more, and since then I have started a new podcast, writing a weekly column in the newspaper, and as a result of overwhelming demand, my private clinic hours have risen exponentially.

Prior to the pandemic, to put in extra sessions I would have had to book an extra room and factor in the commute to and from my clinic, whereas now if I can find an hour to facilitate a request for an extra session, I will. And as 2020/21 has provided me with many more empty hours to fill, it means my New Year’s resolution hasn’t gone so well.

Home is a sanctuary

A Mental Health Ireland study of parents found that work performance was not adversely affected by a year of home-schooling and rolling lockdowns. Could this mean that people were working harder and longer in more difficult circumstances, in order to not allow their work performance to drop?

I am currently recording interviews with children to gather their experiences of the past 12 months, for an upcoming episode of the Asking for a Parent podcast, and I am surprised by how many times the concept of being ‘shushed’ at home, due to parents who were working remotely is coming up as a point of disgruntlement.

With the likelihood of remote working continuing, we need to be reminded that it's vital children feel safe in the sanctuary of their home. The virus is still a threat, and it has never been more important to maintain a non-proximal, safe, social connection with the outside world, and in parallel to protect the sanctuary of the home environment from non-social intrusion.

Our children need somewhere to escape to and somewhere where they can just ‘be’. Right now that needs to be their home. The best way I can provide this space for my children is to keep my kitchen as a kitchen, my playroom as a playroom and my house as a home, as best I can. While I am aware that many parents have little control over the layout of their home, we need, myself included, to make as best an effort as possible to keep the sacred-time spaces sacred.

Covid-19 has taken far more lives than is acceptable, but the impact of repeated lockdowns will undoubtedly compromise the mental lives of so many more. Where people with underlying conditions are considered a ‘vulnerable population’ with regard to coronavirus, children are the ‘vulnerable population’ with regard to ‘lockdowns’.

As we have battled this pandemic for the last year it has sharpened our focus on what we want and what we need. The most important thing we need now is to feel safe and loved in our homes. Remembering that childhood lasts a lifetime, now more than ever we must do everything in our power to protect it. So let's take a moment to reflect and try to remember to disconnect from work and reconnect with home.