Sex File: The kissing has stopped - even when we're making love 

When you are physically attracted to someone, the thought of kissing them is hugely erotic
Sex File: The kissing has stopped - even when we're making love 

Picture: iStock 

I have been with my husband for 15 years and I have noticed that we just never kiss any more, even when we are having sex. Is this unusual? How can we get this back?

Kissing is such a natural and integral part of sexual intimacy that you have to work quite hard to exclude it from love-making. Any position that involves face-to-face contact means that your lips are centimetres apart, and the gravitational pull to kiss is so strong that not doing so requires active resistance. If you and your husband have a good sexual relationship and kissing is a noticeable omission, it could be a sign that all is not well and you are right to try to address this.

Multiple studies have shown that kissing is positively associated with marital satisfaction. 

One study found that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work live five years longer, get into fewer car accidents and have a higher income than married men who don't. However, the same is true in reverse, and when kissing decreases in a relationship, so does sexual frequency and marital satisfaction, according to research by Kristina Dzara at Southern Illinois University.

 Kissing is also a good indicator of attraction. When you are physically attracted to someone, the thought of kissing them is hugely erotic.

Although the frequency of spontaneous kissing declines over time within committed relationships, the frequency of kissing during sexual intercourse tends to remain fairly constant. If you know that you are attracted to one another and have somehow got out of the habit, you probably need to remind yourselves how much fun kissing can be.

The next time you feel in the mood, instead of having sex, make a decision to have a kissing session instead. Do you remember where you had your first kiss together? Can you talk about it? Can you go back there and recreate it? If you can't, try kissing to a soundtrack that reminds you of your first date. Why not try a slow dance? Triggering your emotions while you kiss will heighten the intensity of the experience.

Finally, kissing is incredibly romantic and we enjoy it for its own sake. Yet it is the traditional precursor to sex for a reason. Male saliva contains trace amounts of testosterone, which biological anthropologists, including Helen Fisher, believe is transmitted to partners during kissing as a way of triggering arousal. Kissing also triggers the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin, which makes you feel more connected and calm. It's also why we "kiss and make up" after we have an argument.

  • Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com

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