Swiper, no more swiping: Finding love in lockdown
James Hanafin and Nick Dunne met online and started dating during lockdown. Picture: Brian Arthur
If you’re one of the 54% of Irish people who celebrate Valentine’s Day, chances are your day looks quite different from last year. The dating scene has transformed to respond to the pandemic. Where once we had a constant swipe-swipe-swipe mentality among many users of dating apps, now people are taking the time to make a meaningful connection.
A move to a more traditional way of dating through a modern medium has been seen around the world. Dating app Bumble has described it as ‘slow dating’, with people taking the time to get to know each other and build a connection. “Many daters have used quarantine to think critically about what they want in a relationship,” says Jemma Ahmed, head of insights at Bumble.
"This time of year is actually the busiest time for new romance. Despite ongoing restrictions, people haven’t given up on dating with 87% of Bumble users saying they're going to use dating apps the same or more between now and in the run-up to Valentine’s Day," another Bumble spokesperson says.
"For many users, spending lockdown alone has highlighted the need for romantic connection, and people are eager to find a partner. In Ireland, more than half of millennials on Bumble are looking for a relationship. Before meeting and when restrictions were allowed, two in three had a conversation with their dates about the venue, mask-wearing, and physical contact. These conversations were key, with the majority of people saying that this helped get to know their date better and feel safer."
Dating coach Frances Kelleher, who is based in Co Kerry, has seen this emerge in Ireland in the past year. She says we need to see online dating as a solution while the country is responding to the Covid-19 pandemic.
“I think this is a fantastic time for dating. The hook-up culture has been completely knocked off and people have a chance to make a genuine connection,” she says. “People who were never online are setting up dating profiles. We’re almost back to old-style courting.”
Mary is a professional woman in her early 30s living in Dublin. Over a weekend last July, she went on three outdoor coffee dates, all arranged through Bumble. She immediately clicked with one of the dates and they've been in a relationship since. But it's not roses and chocolates.
"It's been a tricky one back and forth because the relationship progresses quite quickly. There wasn't much opportunity just for date nights. It's been a whirlwind - I'm six months in, but I feel like I'm two years in," she says.
"But you don't have the touchpoints of other things that would normally let you know where you're at in a relationship. I haven't met any of his friends, or his family, and he hasn't been able to meet mine. We haven't had the opportunity to be in a group of our friends and see how we get on.
Mary says that her relationship works great in isolation, but is "intense" at times. The couple has bubbled up together, so travel outside of their 5k to be together.
"There are times when you question if what you're seeing in someone is a result of the pandemic, or who they are as a person. It's hard to figure that out."
One 25-year-old couple who experienced the benefits of slowed-down dating is Nick Dunne and James Hanafin, who met on Tinder last October when the country was under level 5 restrictions.
“When we first met in October it was for a takeaway coffee and it progressed from there,” Nick says. “It was more and more coffee dates, socially distanced walks, things like that. When the lockdown eased up towards Christmas we were excited because we’d been holding back. We hadn't gone for dinner or anything yet. We went to the cinema for the first time together and for dinner in the city.”
James adds: “We actually still haven’t drank in a pub together yet. We’re both postgraduates in college and he’s been working so we’ve been together almost four months now and we’ve been out in public twice.”
Nick says his relationship with James deepened due to the circumstances in which they were dating and led to strong foundations for their relationship.
“We were spending so much time together with no distractions and it was just me and James. It has made a complete difference in getting to know someone. Before meeting James, I would have been a bit more standoffish but now I’ve got to know him so much more.”
One challenge they faced was finding new date ideas when their options were limited while the country was cycling through various levels of restrictions. The couple feared they were becoming settled too soon.
“Because of lockdown you can only do the same things over and over again and you don’t have the opportunity to branch out as a new couple would and try new things and have those experiences,” James says.
“An anxiety we’ve had was, ‘are we already one of those boring couples?’ We are both content with what we have now because it’s the most that we can have. It’s just because of the situation that we’re in. At a normal time, we would be out, we would be doing things. The relationship would be much more exciting and there’d be much more going on.”
Dinner and board games have been among the things they've embraced. “Even when we have been meeting up with each other we try to get a bit creative with what we do. Restaurants are closed right now so if we have dinner together we’ll pick a dish and we’ll cook it together. That’s as exciting as it’s going to get for now,” Nick says.
Meanwhile, 24-year-old singleton Emer Hogan from Co Kilkenny hasn't met anyone online since she moved home from New York City at Christmas. While living there, she had been able to go on dates in bars and restaurants due to lighter restrictions. But she's been making the most of dating apps since moving home, where she works at the local hospital.
“I have been dating, but definitely less than I was before last March. Because of lockdown I haven’t had the chance to meet up with anyone and if I were to it would be for a walk at best," she says, going on to describe her most recent Facetime date.
"It's definitely weird and nerve-wracking talking to someone on the phone that I've never met, but it's nice to get an idea of what someone is actually like, compared to the idea you build of someone in your head.”
Francis says she has seen more people feeling down during lockdown as they miss the company of others and feel the pandemic has put a stop to the plans they’d had for their lives.
“Company kills isolation and loneliness, even if it’s online,” she says, and remarks that online dating is a great option for people who need to plan for leaving the house.
“Some people don’t even think of online dating. This new dating scene is great for people like parents of young children, you don’t need to organise a babysitter and it acts almost like a screening process. Even a 20-minute date lets you know so much about someone.
Francis says there’s no reason to put your dating life on hold when it can simply take place on another platform. She encourages older women, in particular, to explore online and virtual dating.
“Some older women feel down and think the pandemic has put a hold on their romantic relationships at a time when they really wanted to settle down," she says.
"There’s no need to put your love life on hold. You’ll feel better for taking action and even if you don’t meet ‘The One’, you’ll still be meeting people. You could have a tonne of real-life dates lined up for when we can all meet again.”
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