Sex File: I'm worried my son will hear us 

Picture: iStock 

Q. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. I'm a widow with a son; he is divorced with no kids. We don't live together. Pre-Covid we'd go for sexy weekends away and my son would stay with his friends. Now that we can't do that, the only place we can be intimate is at my home. But I find it hard to let my hair down during sex when my son's in the house.

A. You don't say what age your son is, so he could be six, or he could be 16. That obviously makes a difference in terms of his level of attachment to, or dependence on, you.

Sixteen-year-old boys can be surly and uncommunicative, but they are very protective of their mums, which is even more true when their dad has died. Although a teenage son is likely to be wary of your new partner because he won't want you to get hurt, he is, at least, old enough to understand what is happening.

Be honest and inclusive, and don't treat him like a little boy. He may be taller than you, but he still needs reassurance. You don't say how long ago your husband died. This also matters. If you met your partner shortly after your bereavement, there may be all sorts of unspoken resentments that complicate your son's capacity to accept your relationship, regardless of his age. Any relationship that is built on loss, whether through divorce or bereavement, is harder for children to accept.

It seems, however, that your son hasn't given you any indication that he is upset about the situation. In the two years that you have been with your new partner, I presume that your son has developed some sort of a relationship with him, and the fact that he is not the one complaining suggests that he is not the problem.

I suspect that the real issue is not that your son might hear you having sex, but the fact that lockdown has forced you to integrate two parts of your life that you had previously been keeping separate. Before the restrictions, your home was bound up in your identity as a mother. It was a safe space where you raised your son alone, and when you met your partner you didn't breach that sanctuary. Bundling your son off to trusted friends allowed you to spend the weekend with your partner, without exposing your son to any inconsistency if the relationship subsequently failed. It also gave you a much-needed opportunity for escape, and allowed you to separate the "self" who is a devoted parent from the "self" who needs love, sex and fun. You were able to act like a young lover rather than a middle-aged parent.

On the surface, it was the perfect set-up - weekday soccer mom, Saturday night sexpot - but in the long term it was unsustainable. You can't compartmentalise your emotional life indefinitely, and although lockdown may have forced your relationship to shift gears before you felt you were ready, relationships have a natural trajectory. They either move forward towards greater commitment or they fall apart. 

I would argue that two years is long enough for you to know whether this is what you want or not, so think about what else might be putting you off.

Maybe having sex in your own home makes you feel guilty, as if you are betraying your dead husband. You are not. When someone you love dies, moving on doesn't mean forgetting them. You carry them with you while giving yourself permission to live a full and happy life. Maybe it's because you haven't been clear with your son about your new relationship. Have you asked him how he feels or explained to him what it means for you?

What about your partner - does he know how you feel about him, about sex, about your son? It is really important that you share your anxieties with him because healthy sexual relationships are an extension of emotional intimacy, and if you are silently battling feelings of guilt or distress, your capacity to enjoy sex is compromised. None of this is easy, but if you spend less time worrying and more time talking, the sex will sort itself out.

• Send your queries to [e-mail]