Sex File: I can't get in the mood at her parents' house

Mon, 14 Dec, 2020 - 10:35

Suzi Godson

My girlfriend and I are in our 20s and we've been living with her parents since the first lockdown. To start with it was fine, but now it's really affecting our sex life. How do we get in the mood while we're in this situation?

To be honest, I'm amazed it is just your sex life that has been affected. No matter how much your girlfriend's parents love you both, house guests have a natural best-by date, and it certainly isn't eight months. That you are all still on speaking terms suggests Herculean levels of tolerance on all sides. One of the main issues for you is presumably privacy.

During Covid the absence of privacy has been compounded by the groundhog-day tedium of working from home. For those who have been furloughed, boredom quickly leads to feeling like a caged animal. Living and working on top of one another for so long has put the dampers on sexual desire, and as a consequence, sexual frequency has fallen off a cliff for many.

The most recently published research appeared in The BMJ last month. It tracked the sexual frequency of 1,187 Australians during the first lockdown and found that more than half of them (53.5%) were having less sex. In Britain a comparable study of 868 people that was published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine in July found that 60% were having sex less than once a week, or not at all. Although your situation is by no means ideal, you do have a private bedroom and your girlfriend's parents are happy for you to sleep in it together.

It's important that you try to maintain your sexual relationship. If having sex when her parents are in the house is too off-putting, do it when they go out shopping or walking.

When you have a limited window of opportunity, the quickest way to get yourselves in the mood is to use a couple of shortcuts: sex toys and lubricant. Even the most resistant libido can spring to life with a little help - it may not be the best sex you will ever have, but it will be enough to keep you intimately connected until the vaccine rolls out and you don't need to be in a bubble.

The British study on pandemic sex conducted by researchers at Anglia Ruskin University found that the greatest levels of sexual inactivity were linked to being older, female, unmarried and not drinking alcohol. Although no one is supposed publicly to promote the drinking of alcohol, when you have been holed up with your future parents-in-law for eight months and all spontaneity and fun has been removed, a stiff drink is probably a useful sexual lubricant.

Obviously, I am obliged to preface everything I say with a caution about moderation, but alcohol is a disinhibitor, and in your circumstances that could be useful. After a couple of drinks, you will feel more relaxed and less paranoid about the possibility of your girlfriend's mother bursting into your bedroom. A moderate amount of alcohol might help you to quieten your internal monologue.

I hope you can escape for a night to a hotel. Even one night away will refresh your relationship and reboot your sex life.