Sex File: Why doesn't she want more sex? 

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My girlfriend and I were in a long-distance relationship for three years. We are now together full-time, but still having the same amount of sex as before. I find this odd because when we do make love it's great. What is going on?

Although long-distance relationships can be challenging, there are some serious upsides to cramming all your sexual needs and romantic aspirations into a single weekend of languid sex. Long-distance relationships are not spoilt by the mundanity of your normal lives, so they feel fresh for longer. Distance also helps to preserve the sense of "otherness" that can make sex feel novel, unpredictable and exciting. And, of course, when you don't have much time you attend to each other's sexual needs with the kind of intensity that is unsustainable when you are living together.

Unfortunately, long-distance relationships, like everything else in the universe, are subject to the second law of thermodynamics. Even if absolutely nothing changes, they do not stay the same over time. In the same way that cars rust, weeds grow and untended buildings grow increasingly derelict, the pull of entropy eventually tarnishes the sparkle on long-distance love. Whether it is the commute that becomes a pain, or one partner gets jealous about what the other is up to, research shows that, eventually, couples in long-distance relationships are more likely to separate than those living in close proximity.

The good news is that your girlfriend has moved in with you. The bad news is that the honeymoon period was over long before she arrived, so a decline in sexual frequency is to be expected. It is nothing to worry about, but it can be reassuring to have some benchmarks around sexual frequency so you know where you stand with regards to other "average" couples.

A typical couple has sex just under once a week. Although that sounds like a meagre ration of an experience that is fabulous and free, it is probably just about enough. In 2015 Amy Muise at the University of Toronto published a paper that was titled Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better. Her research suggests that people who have sex several times a week are no happier or healthier than people who have sex once a week. However, people who have sex less than once a month are less happy than those having sex once a week.

In a different US study, researchers asked couples to double their normal sexual frequency to see if it made them any happier. It didn't.

 The researchers found that asking couples to increase their sexual frequency decreased their enjoyment and led to them wanting to have sex even less.

When it comes to sex, quality always matters more than quantity, but proximity can be a hazard. In long-distance relationships you are always playing your A game, but when you see each other every day, familiarity - and its first cousin, overexposure - can create tension that is not remotely sexy.

Being considerate, being open and giving each other some space will be particularly important while you adjust to your new normality. It could be that she is taking a while to settle in to her new life - it is a big change to go from seeing each other every couple of months to being able to see each other every day. Remember - just because you and your girlfriend see each other every day now it doesn't mean you have to stop holding hands over breakfast or sending each other fruity texts. In fact, they remain just as important as they did then. You both still need to work to keep the spark and the romance alive.

The cues that worked when you were apart will be just as, if not more, effective now. If you used to spend half the weekend in bed when she lived abroad, agree to spend half the weekend in bed together once a month. If you create space for sex in your lives, it will show up. And if you build a life together, the more you retain the behaviours that made your long-distance sexual relationship so special, the better your whole relationship is likely to continue to be.

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