Sex File: Is it too late to try new kinks?

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Q: My husband and I have been together for 14 years. I've never mentioned to him that there are a few things I've always wanted to try - nothing fetishistic, just filming ourselves, for example. I'm scared to mention it in case he thinks my kinks mean I'm bored with him - which I am not. How do I broach it?

Filming yourselves having sex is now so commonplace that I'm not sure it even merits the term kinky. And what's wrong with saying you are bored? After 14 years of marriage you are perfectly entitled to feel like you want to change things a bit. You obviously need to broach the subject with sensitivity, but the reality is that people change as they get older, and their sexual interests change too.

If the security of your marriage has made you a much more confident person, wanting to be more sexually extrovert is a natural extension of who you are now and that should be OK with your husband. A good approach would be to explain to him that your great sex life, and his way of making you feel confident, have made you want to try something a bit more experimental. Although he may be a bit hesitant at first, he is also bound to be a bit curious. And if he is even remotely narcissistic, voyeuristic or exhibitionist, he will probably jump at the opportunity.

Just make sure that when you suggest it, you don't make it into a huge deal. People - 'ordinary' people, for want of a better description - have been filming themselves having sex since the Super 8 was popular, although home movies really took off with the arrival of video in the early 1980s. Unlike film, videotape didn't have to be processed commercially, so people could be as risque as they wanted.

The possibility of the images being distributed or ending up on the internet is one thing that stops people experimenting with filming sex, but that's hardly going to be an issue for you and your husband. If you make it absolutely clear that you are the only two people who will ever see the footage and you promise to delete anything he hates, he should be willing to give it a go.

As long as you have discussed it together as an 'in principle', filming sex as and when you like can be a completely spontaneous decision. If you are doing something particularly enjoyable and you have a smartphone to hand, all you have to do is point and shoot. To get him used to seeing himself while he is having sex, you could always first try having sex in front of a mirror, before you commit to filming.

If, once you have tried filming it on your phone spontaneously, and he doesn't get freaked out and is up for more, there is a lot to be said for preparation. It exponentially increases the anticipation and it can also make for a better quality end result. 

Good lighting is hugely important. Besides creating atmosphere, it can disguise a multitude of sins

Don't just set the camera on a tripod and let it roll. Short 15-second snippets of beautifully lit and carefully cropped skin-on-skin interaction are a lot more erotic than half an hour of footage that includes all the 'up a bit, left a bit, oops the lamp has fallen over' narrative that was never intended to be in the script. Short snippets can also be shared by text, so you can surprise each other with a little visual titillation during the tedium of the working week.

Finally, don't expect too much from the experience. When you have regular sex you can completely lose yourself in the moment, but when you have sex with a camera trained on you, it becomes much more performative. When every move you make and every sound you utter are being recorded, you focus on what you look like, rather than what you are feeling. While it can be interesting to be so acutely conscious of the 'self' during sex, ultimately, most people prefer the feeling of complete abandon that is only possible without a camera.

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