Sex File: Petty squabbling is spoiling our sex life 

The sex you have with each other reflects your relationship, and you are not going to want to make love to someone if they are getting on your nerves. Picture: iStock 

Our marriage is generally great, but lately my husband and I have been getting on each other's nerves in the evening. This makes it hard to switch moods from minor frustration and create a sexier atmosphere at bedtime. Is there a way we can ring-fence our sex from everything else?

Lots of couples are finding their relationships more challenging at the moment. In fact, research has already picked up on the fact that couples are having more arguments and less sex. In April, a study at Indiana University found that 34% of couples were reporting that lockdown restrictions had led to an escalation in conflict and a decrease in sexual frequency.

In the same month, the Wuhan Marriage and Family Committee reported that the divorce rate in the Chinese city had doubled from its level before the outbreak. There is obviously a world of difference between getting divorced and getting fed up with a partner who balances an empty can on top of an overflowing recycling bin rather than emptying it, but frustration will affect your sex life. The sex you have with each other reflects your relationship, and you are not going to want to make love to someone if they are getting on your nerves.

Unresolved conflict makes couples unhappy and resentful, and it kills their desire to have sex.

The operative word there is "unresolved''. Although the relationship guru John Gottman estimates that most of the things couples disagree on are perpetual issues such as personality differences that will never go away, the issues making everyone angsty during lockdown are generally situational, and therefore solvable as far as the relationship is concerned.

Often it is a case of keeping things in perspective. 

When you are holed up together for months at a time, small irritations get blown out of proportion. 

Sharing housework and childcare and having a few basic ground rules about not whingeing are pretty obvious ways to de-escalate tension, but you both need to compromise.

You must also talk to each other. 

In all relationships, clarity and communication are the key to resolution, but most adults try to avoid conflict. Instead of being honest, they bottle up poisonous feelings, thinking their partner won't notice their pursed lips.

For adults, arguing is a fundamental ingredient for intimacy. It shows you are invested enough to want to work things out and that you haven't checked out, or given up on the relationship. It can also be kind of sexy. When you kiss and make up, oxytocin calms you down and makes you feel closer to one another. Having a good barney clears the air too.

Although you notice the tension between you most in the evening, it is not a good idea to discuss things when you are both tired – and certainly not if you have been drinking alcohol. 

The best time to talk about difficult issues is first thing in the morning, when you feel relaxed and, importantly, you haven't had time to do anything to annoy each other yet.

On a day you are both off, before you get out of bed, have a chat about how you have been coping and what you have been finding stressful. Take turns getting all the niggles off your chests. Hopefully, airing them in a calm way, when you are both feeling refreshed after a good night's sleep, will work wonders. It may even lead to sex. Flooded with post-coital dopamine and basking in the warm glow of oxytocin, you will forget all the minor irritations and remember how great your marriage is.

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