Ask Audrey: ‘The banter is where you insult someone all night and they can’t say anything, because this is Ireland'

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

C’mere, what’s the story with shouting out your ex’s name when you’re having sex with the old doll. I do be doing it all the time after my ex wished me happy birthday on Facebook. The old doll retaliated by shouting out her ex’s names, when we’re doing the business. It’s hard to enjoy myself, listening to her going Sully, Rasher, Stinger, The Denim Boy and Jeremy. (I never knew she dated some langball from Christians.) I need this sorted, pronto like. – Proud Paul, Togher.

Have you considered talking to your ‘old doll’, rather than just sending her photos of your new tracksuit on Facebook Messenger? I had a great clear the air chat with My Conor. He said, what are you thinking about when we’re making love? I said, that 30 seconds can seem like an eternity.

I brought my three year old twins, Ultan and Hugo, to the Halloween Parade on Shandon Street. (I never realised people actually lived up there; I thought it had been cleared for sulky racing years ago.) Anyway, I think they might have caught some virus when they are up there. Hugo keeps saying, “Me Nan was a pure shawlie” and Ultan has started referring to me as Mam (whatever that’s supposed to mean.) Do you think this a case of the dreaded Norry Virus?

– Monica, Blackrock Road, do it be contagious?

It do be. My nephew from Douglas went up there once on a cultural exchange, to teach the locals how to say ‘nothing’, instead of norring. (They got a little northside boy in return, who showed them how to stop saying ‘totally’ in answer to every question.) Anyway, my nephew started acting weird and asked Santa for a life-time supply of white socks. The consultant in CUH took one look at him and said, “I have a massive summer house near Barley Cove.” (Aren’t consultants fierce keen to let you know how well they are doing?)

How’re oo’ goin’ on? I’m only now beginning to realise the downside of Bryan Dobson finishing up his time reading the news on RTE. Bryan would only have to give one of his trademark looks into the camera and herself (my missus) would get aroused. Let’s just say, a fella could find himself having sex during the opening credits on Nationwide. The Six One news is now read by two women, and I can’t see them having the same effect on my wife. (Although she has started watching Channel 4 recently, so I suppose anything is possible.) Anyway, do you know where I might find a book to explain the finer points of seduction? – Dan Paddy Andy, keep going beyond Dunmanway until it’s too late.

You could try my book on love-making, for Cork men. It’s called Slow Down Jerry, I Can Always Get a Later Bus. My husband, Conor, was asked recently what he thought of the title. He said it was incredibly embarrassing, a woman from Ballinlough admitting that she travels by bus.

Hey, I’m a leading blogger and social media influencer. (The way my mother talks about it, you’d swear I was only a teacher.) The upside is I get a lot of free stuff. The downside is I can’t afford to send my son to Pres, because they refuse to take moisturiser samples instead of cash, for the fees. When I told my mother, she broke down crying and offered to pay for him. I said that’s highly insulting, when you know I’d love that money for a Melania Makeover. (Very du jour.) She wrote me out of the will. Do you think she’s being unreasonable? – Fiona, Bishopstown, #AnyChanceOfaFreeHoliday?

#No. I asked my Fashion Forward Niece what’s a Melania Makeover. She said it’s a new thing in the States where women pay a fortune to look like Melania Trump. I said how does it work? She said the doctor announces, “You have to share a bed with Donald Trump” and the patient leaves with a very long face. She’s good for a laugh, the Fashion Forward Niece.

Hola. I am looking for an Irish country boy on Tinder, because I’m told they are more gentlemanly and polite. All their profiles say they are easy-going and fans of something known as ‘having the banter’. What is this ‘having the banter’?– Maria, Valencia and St. Lukes, will they expect a kiss after three dates?

Try after three Jaeger Bombs. ‘The banter’ is where you insult someone all night and they can’t say anything, because this is Ireland. We used to call it the crack, but a lot of our people got arrested when they went looking for it in the States. Now, as for your notion about culchies and gentlemen. Your average bogman grew up around livestock. (Hence the smell.) His first experience of sex involved watching a bull chasing a cow around a small enclosed space, while his father shouted “Cut out the sssh-mall talk, Romeo, I have to be in Dunmanway for half three.” So, don’t get your hopes up.