Ask Audrey: Ducks in the Lough are nervous, living that close to Togher

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

Hi, it’s Deirdre here in Bishopstown. I’ve noticed a few of the neighbours loading up their cars recently and I wouldn’t say they’re all going on staycation. I never knew I was surrounded by the kind of neighbours who’d high-tail it off to the sun, leaving me stuck here in Shitsville, 16 degrees and a wind that would whip off your knickers. I was going to join them, until my mother said she’d be thrown out of the bridge club if word got around that I was ‘into killing Grannies’, so I had to hand over my passport or that was me out of the will. Anyway, I’ve come up with a solution to all my problems. I’m going to buy a drone and use it to check if my neighbours head to the airport or ferry port in Ringaskiddy, hit them with a bit of the old Bishopstown blackmail when they get back. Is that legal?

— Deirdre, Bishopstown, not the shit bit now down by Halldene.

I rang my neighbour there, he’s a barrister. (Not a good one if he only lives in Ballinlough.) I said, what’s the story with following someone around with a drone. He said, I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again, tell me, do you have any plans to wear those red high heels in the near future? #ThePervyBarrister

Hey dude, I’m one of the richest creative people in Ballintemple, measured the by the number of art galleries the old man opened in my name to use as tax avoidance vehicles for his mates. Anyway, I was at Blackrock Market over the weekend todally chatting up this girl I know from Tantric Yoga, when she said, Oh man, tomorrow is Monday, and I said, ya bum-mer, and she said, what do you do and I didn’t want to say, ‘Get up around 12 and ask the old man’s chef to make me a flat white’, in case she’s one of these weird hippy chicks that admires people with a job. Anyhow, I’m meeting her this Sunday again and really want to blow her away. Bryan with a Y is giving me a loan of his rescue dog, but I need to come up with a ‘job’ that says, sleep with Ed, he’s a chilled-out success story. Any ideas?

— Ed, Ballintemple.

I’d steer clear of Agony Aunt, that’s more a stressed-out failure kind of gig. My cousin is an eco-warrior, she has 14 different bins in her yurt. I said, what’s the first thing you look for in a guy? She said, nits, you should see the state of the men I hang around with.

Like man, it’s the ACTUAL Black Hole of Calcutta in Dublin city centre these days. My cousin Winifred (that’s her name ok, get over it) was on Dame Lane on Saturday night and said she hadn’t rubbed up against that many oiks since her last orgy in the Gaeltacht. (I won’t tell you what she came back with instead of fluent Irish, but there’s still a slight discharge.) Anyway, we’re like, ‘no fawking way ’ to a repeat of that so Winifred is like, Cork, there’s hardly anyone living down there compared to Dublin, I’ve heard it’s kinda cool and quirky for boggerland. So like, will it be possible to drink in Cork this weekend without bumping off a herd of wide-eyed culchies?

— Olga, Dublin 4, I’ve more money than you.

Everybody does. Even in Ballinlough. My neighbour owns a pub in town. I rang him there and said what would you say to two Dublin 4 women down in Cork for the weekend? He said, that will be 30 quid for the two gin and tonics, girls. #StillCheaperThanDublin

It’s getting very cranky on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Want to Get too Cosy With Our Cleaning Ladies. Fifi_LovesPeople said she’s thinking about leaving the group because she’s after getting really friend with her own cleaning lady, who is from Slovenia or Sligo, who cares. On the other side, Fiona_DontEncourageThem said her cleaning lady is after getting very close to her little guy Hugo and even suggested bringing HER OWN son with her one day for a play date, which Fiona said is basically the definition of communism. I’m hosting a charity garden party here to fight justice and inequality. I asked my cleaner if she was interested, she said she’d love to come, but I don’t think she gets that I want her to hand out the canapés. How can I get the message through without sounding like a posh cow?

—Jenni, Douglas Road.

I had a similar misunderstanding with my plumber once. If you’re interested in the details, go onto Google and search ‘Ballinlough Housewife learns there is more than one meaning to the word pump.’ (Maybe turn down the sound first.)

Well, the blessins’ of the saints of old Ireland on you, isn’t the way that I snuck into the old country with Mom and Pop through Belfast, and we want to visit our relations in Macroom. Any ideas for a present?

— Rinty McGinty Jnr III, Chicago.

I rang my cousin in Macroom and said what would you like to get off your American relations? She said, 5000 km of personal space. I said, because of Covid? She said no, they’re always mocking our teeth. #Yellow.