Ask Audrey: West Cork staycations are so now on Douglas Road

Sorting out Cork people for ages ..

It’s getting competitive on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can Remember Your Dress Size from Last Year. We’ve all decided it’s a ‘no’ for foreign holidays this year, because what’s the point of looking smoking hot in Cork Airport if you have to wear a face mask. Not to worry — buying a tent and roaming around West Cork is ‘SO NOW’ on the Douglas Road it’s nearly as popular as opening a dodgy bank account in Luxembourg. You’re talking total, total hippy vibe, but this is Douglas Road so you’re toast if you don’t buy a tent that costs more than a row of houses in Carrigtwohill. So, where is the best place to get a tent that will ram my wealth down other people’s throats?– Jenni, Douglas Road.

Sorry, I’m allergic to tents. My Conor wanted me to go camping last year. He said, there’s nothing better than waking up to the smell of West Cork. I said, you’ve obviously never slept with a guy from Dunmanway. #SoapDodging

C’mere, what’s the story with posh old dolls going mad for my chain? I do do the Deliveroo the odd time when it’s dry, I normally get a smile off the posh old dolls when I drop off, but it’s gone up a notch the past couple of weeks. One of them asked if I’d like to come in and put it up on the table, and I don’t think she was talking about the pizza, do you know what I mean? I said to her, c’mere girl what’s the story with all the attention? She said, luvin’ your chain dude, total Connell in Normal People vibe. Like, I’ve had this chain since I was two! Do you think I should binge watch that gammy show to get tips on what do be turning posh wans wild mad horny? – Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My Conor came home last night and asked if I’d like him to wear a chain. I said, ah no, we’ll stick with the handcuffs. #KinkyThursday

Hello, Kathleen here, I’m from one of the top families in Mallow, we’re down to the last three to have the new bridge named after us, mammy would be beside herself, god rest her. Anyway, my daughter arrived home Monday with her new boyfriend, he’s from some place up in the city called St Lukes. She swears it’s a posh area and he goes to Christians, but I looked up Google maps and it’s on the northside, which I know from reading your column is worse than Beirut. So, is he acceptable for the cream of north Cork?– Kathleen, Mallow

I asked the Posh Cousin to sum up St Lukes in four words or less. She said, Sunday’s Well with Volvos. I said, are they very right on? She said, well, a lot of them say they’re big into wind power, but that’s just St Lukes speak for I sail a 40-footer out of Crosshaven.

How about ye? Myself and my two brothers usually go to Majorca on our holidays, it’s wild embarrassing the amount of sex we’d get through in a fortnight just because of our Donegal accents, hey. Anyway, it looks like we’re not going to be allowed on a plane this summer, mainly because we live so close to the border and the Nordies are still crawling with Covid-19 so they are. My mate says och get yourselves off down to Kerry, the women are fierce movers down there so they are.

But then me brother, Smooth Seamus, says nah, it’s Cork or nathin’, they’re better lookin’ and more liberated and all that. So like, Kerry or Cork, what’s it to be if you’re a sex mad single guy packing a Donegal accent? – JP, Letterkenny, are you single yourself, hey?

No, but I’ll get working on the paperwork straight away. I rang the Posh Cousin there and said I think I can get three guys with Donegal accents to come to Cork. She said, are they good looking? I said, no idea, just close your eyes and listen to the accent, what could possibly go wrong? She said, a mental image of Daniel O’Donnell. #VomInTheMouth

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment where we all dressed up as Boris and said ‘who’d like to look after my children?’ Funny! Jacob Rees-Mogg addressed us in Latin and said it is absolutely vital that we deal with the stain of slavery that sullies Britain’s reputation for being jolly good sports. As a result we have decided to stop teaching history in schools. How fiendishly clever. He also asked me to relay the following message to your government, in the spirit of friendship: The British government hereby formally withdraws its apology for the Famine, because you caused it yourselves, you filthy non crop rotating spud-munchers. Could you pass that on for me, like a good little Mick?-Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London and rather a lot of Kenya.

I couldn’t possibly pass that message on to the government — we don’t have one. (As I write anyway.) I asked my cousin the political anorak what’s the difference between Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil? He said, Fianna Fáil is more inclined to look out for the poor and misfortunate. I said, that’s hardly a surprise, their leader is from Turner’s Cross. #LookAfterYourOwn