Ask Audrey: So, like, do you have any idea where I might get a couple of hippos and a snake?

Sorting out all your pandemic problems...
Ask Audrey: So, like, do you have any idea where I might get a couple of hippos and a snake?

Sorting out all your pandemic problems...


Q: It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group, Posh Cork SuperMoms Who Get Shitfaced Before Lunch.

Cora_AnyoneForShots was sharing a recipe for Breakfast Mojitos on our video call this morning, when she broke down crying because her mother has accused of her being a daytime drunk.

Leoni_SecondBottle was telling us about this new cocktail event in Sunday’s Well.

It’s called Lockdowners, everyone has a triple Sex on the Beach at 11 am and sings Rule Britannia on the veranda of their enormous house.

Then SHE broke down crying because she had a terrible dose of the fear. I tried to tell them, it doesn’t matter how much you drink during a global pandemic, you can’t become an alcoholic. Am I right? – Jenni, Douglas Road.

Audrey: I know your pain – we’re calling it The LockedDown, because we’re either drunk or depressed. I was on Zoom call this morning for the Irish Association of Bitchy Agony Aunts.

Problem Pauline from Galway said she is now up to two bottles of Pinot G before the Angelus. I said, sorry Pauline, you might be at the wrong meeting. #AlcoholicsAnonymous


Q: Hello old stock, I was binge-watching Netflix last night, when I was confronted with one of the big questions in life – what’s the point in being a legend in Cork business circles if I don’t own a pet tiger?

Not knowing where to get one, I rang Hoggy, he said, you can have one of mine. Two nights later I was watching the magnificent beast pacing around my back garden – the tiger now, not Hoggy – when it came to me: Reggie’s Wildlife Park.

The Norries would go mad for walking among savage animals, sure it would remind them of being at home. So, like, do you have any idea where I might get a couple of hippos and a snake? #StartSmall.– Reggie, Blackrock Road, don’t tell my wife Monica.

Audrey: I have this cousin called Dodgy Dave. (We knew he had criminal tendencies growing up, he was fierce interested in darts.)

I said, how do you think a snake would feel on the Blackrock Road? He said, at home. #Harsh


Q: Wake up people, the Hollywood elite is trying to control our mindds with 5G technology. Cop on ye langballs – are you seriously trying to tell me it’s a coincidence that Matt Damon is swanning around Dublin at the time that they are installing new masts all over the gaff?

Newsflash sheeple - he was sent over here to make sure we’re staying at home. Well myself and the lads in Cork People Against Vaccines and Elites aren’t having it. (We used to meet in a pub every Tuesday until Matt and his actor friends got to Leo.)

We’re recruiting to campaign against the lot of them, even Cillian Murphy, to make sure they don’t try and force us to take the Covid-19 vaccine. Are you in?– Wesley, Dillons Cross.

Audrey: I’m about as likely to join The Wolfe Tones.

But I will tell you my new favourite joke. What do you call an Irish anti-vaxxer who can’t get into a pub without the coronavirus vaccine? A pro-vaxxer.

Q: I’m having trouble sleeping at night in my 900 grand house, detached, just thinking about everyone walking around in face-masks.

We know this is going to happen, it’s as obvious as a nouveaux riche woman from Passage West. I mean, it’s not all bad – there’s a lot to be said for people in Mitchelstown covering up their faces – but it’s a nightmare for the officer class here in Cork city.

Sorry, but if I have to wear the same government-issue face-mask as my binman, then that’s just communism. (And I didn’t inherit 5 million from my aunt just so I could hand it over to some guy called Gussy who likes racing pigeons.)

So, could you organise someone to fly in a batch of exclusive masks, no designer label please, the lower orders would be all over that like lipstick on a drunk? – Cathy, Montenotte.

Audrey: Another one ready-made for Dodgy Dave. I rang him back there and said, how would you source exclusive face-masks for people in Montenotte? He said, it’s a two-step process. 1: Get normal face-masks 2: Double the Price. #WellDodgy


Q: Soz girl, if I don’t get a week away from my family or I going to blow.

My husband suffers from feelings of inadequacy, even though he went to Pres, and decided to cook dinner on Tuesday night. I took a taste and said it isn’t the worst chicken curry I’ve ever tasted.

He said it’s Irish stew and started bawling. My two kids have turned into machines that say ‘I’m hungry’ every 20 minutes, and I’m worried that the four year old will get repetitive stress injury from playing Grand Theft Auto.

So, like, is there some way I could swap with another family for a week?– Oonagh, Ovens.

Audrey: My neighbour is a relationship expert, she deals with this in her new podcast, What Was I Thinking Marrying You?

She said she’d ask her clients if anyone was interested in a swap and finally got back yesterday saying, no dice. I said, are they put off by the husband? She said no, Ovens.

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