Sex advice: My wife wants tantric sex - and I'm terrified

It sounds terrifying, not to mention exhausting. Should I explore it?

My wife has taken up yoga, which she loves. I’ve been to the odd class with her in the past and quite enjoyed it. She’s now saying she wants to try tantric sex. This sounds terrifying, not to mention exhausting. Should I explore it?

The distance between downward dog and tantric sex is not as great as you might imagine. Like yoga, tantra involves chakras (the energy centres of the body), mantras (chanting), asana (yoga postures) and pranayama (rhythmic breathing). So tantric sex is basically slow sex with a dash of spiritualism, and, surprisingly, it’s the opposite of exhausting.

Taking hours to do something that might otherwise take 20 minutes is much less labour-intensive, largely because orgasm is not the goal. The popular misconception is that tantric sex is about having energetic, exhausting intercourse for hours on end and that it has something to do with the musician Sting. In reality, tantric sex is about the journey, not the destination. Which is why it is not for everyone.

Some people will never make time to linger lovingly on each other’s bodies, preferring to crack on to the finish line. But now may be an ideal time to explore the merits of slow sex.

Tantric sex involves a conversation about your sexual intentions, and that helps to ensure that staying in the moment is a core component of the experience. Since you have both already done yoga, you can bring this understanding of mindfulness to your sex life.

The ceremonial aspect of tantra is important, so dim the lights, throw a blanket over your home office, light some candles and spritz the room with perfume or essential oils. Start in the classic tantric position of yab yum. You sit cross-legged and your wife sits within your legs with her feet wrapped around your back. Looking into each other’s eyes you will begin to feel a certain sexual excitement, but concentrate on breathing that energy up towards your hearts.

With one hand on her heart and one hand on your abdomen, take slow deep inhalations in through the nose and out through the mouth, feeling the sensation of her breath gently on your face. There should be no sexual touching at this point, just stillness and the sound of your breath.

As you feel the erotic energy rise, your bodies will show signs of arousal. Experiment with putting the tips of your fingers, or your palms, together and chanting gently. Your faces will move closer together, and when you eventually allow yourselves to kiss, it will feel electric.

At some point the desire to connect will become overwhelming, but when you begin to touch each other, touch everywhere except the genitals. Embrace the sensations and emotions you experience in the present moment, rather than anticipate orgasm. You can progress to penetrative sex within the yab yum position, but if your hips are beginning to seize up, switch positions to something more comfortable for both of you.

What is important is that you can continue to gaze into each other’s eyes while you rock together towards climax. Sophisticated practitioners can get to the brink of orgasm and then pull back to build to an even more intense climax, but that is not for beginners. Do what makes you feel good and don’t get hung up on technique. Or timing.

The perception of tantric sex is that it should last all day, but even Sting admitted that when he famously announced he could last seven hours, he had actually included time for dinner and watching a film.

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