Mum's the Word: How did my parents manage to create a calm household?

I don't remember a lot of shouting in my household growing up, and neither does my twin.

We remember those moments that we got into really big trouble and that horrible feeling of disappointing our parents when we did something wrong, but neither of us can remember shouting.

We recall shouting at one another alright but not coming from our parents. We weren’t hit or spanked either.

So I wonder how my parents did it, created discipline without yelling.

They had two girls exactly the same age, one, me, definitely more challenging than the other, so how did they manage to create a calm household? And how come I can’t seem to!

I don’t agree with spanking our kids although I did once, when my daughter Joan was about 3, slap her on the bum and I felt so horrible afterwards for a long time that I never ever did it again.

I don’t, and I think most of us agree now, think hitting or spanking solves anything at all, in fact it creates problems and breaks trust between parent and child.

Shouting though, that is a whole other story!

I do shout and feel there have been times when I do it a lot. I think I let myself down and question whether it accomplishes anything.

When I speak with other parents, we all agree we roar a lot, but we are human and the kids break us sometimes. Still it always leaves me feeling terrible.

I do have had periods of when I am managing my yelling better than others. When Joan was really young and I got frustrated, I would go into another room and let out a ‘little’ scream.

But as she gets older, the potential points of conflict are getting more complex and she is certainly better able to push my buttons.

When I am good at managing it, I apply a few techniques.

Counting down from 10 instead of up from one automatically reduces stress levels. I know it sounds like it might not work, but it really does.

It lets Joan know she has 10 steps to stop what she is doing and it focuses my mind on something other than screaming my head off.

Another technique is explaining to Joan I will only answer a question a maximum two times.

This is often the source of my outbursts, as I will give her an answer and she won’t accept it.

I have to remind her of this often but eventually she gets it. I explain I will answer twice, then beyond that it’s like I can’t hear it and we move on.

A third thing I try, and this might sound totally nutty, I repeat in my head “don’t shout, don’t shout”.

This sometimes works and at times it doesn’t but at least I feel it is an attempt at trying to be mindful of being in the moment and avoiding the urge to just yell.

Shouting, as good as it feels sometimes, really accomplishes very little. We both end up upset and likely say things we don’t mean.

Plus I think it can be scary for children and I feel at worst it can affect their confidence and trust in us as parents.

Instead, the ideal is to try and reason with our kids (certainly the older ones) and get them to fully understand the consequences of their behaviour and how to improve it.

You can’t really achieve this through gritted teeth or while straining your vocal chords.

Even writing this, I hope, gets me back on track and curtails my shouting.

I am sure my parents did shout, after all they were only human too, but the fact it isn’t a lasting memory for me is inspiration to make sure my shouting isn’t a lasting one for Joan.