Ask Audrey: What's the story with dreams?

Sorting out Cork people for ages.

C’mere, what’s the story with dreams lah? Ever since that ship washed up in Ballycotton, I’ve been having this dream where a sailor comes ashore off of it and travels up to Cork to steal my old doll. I’m not plug ugly or nothing like, I’d say half the housewives on the northside have a little think about Dowcha Donie once a week. But I’m still no match for this sailor boy — six foot two, dark skin, gorgeous muscles on him in fairness. This is my first dream in in two years that doesn’t involve Liverpool or Hillbilly’s — what do you think it means?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, and no, I’m not gay, I just completed a questionnaire there on the internet, 100% hetro.

My friend is a qualified Dreams Analyst, she can’t meet you in person because she’s doing 18 months for fraud. I rang her there and told her your story. She said, I’ve been wondering why that ship ended up in Ballycotton? I said, I suppose it couldn’t afford Kinsale. #NextBestThing.

I’m getting frustrated with my WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Moved to the Country Because They Couldn’t Stand Being So Close To Grange. None of them seems to understand what’s it like to share a septic tank with a Norry. We moved to a lovely house near Robert’s Cove last year, because we could afford it and the city is being over-run by the lower orders. There’s a small bungalow near the entrance to our drive — we assumed it would be a nice little culchie couple, but in fact it’s a plumber from Farranree called Derek. (Imagine.) Long story short, we share a septic tank with this Derek, and I can’t go to sleep at night thinking about our number twos bumping up against his in the tank, it’s disgusting even writing it. What can I do?

— Maggie, Roberts Cove.

I had a similar problem where I was terrified to go to the toilet on a night out in case the last person on the seat was a bit Turners Cross. I told my therapist that I was forced to wear an adult nappy. She said, how does that make you feel? I said, quite warm actually by the end of the night.

The name is Hopper yo, from Dundalk so I am, living down in Cork, rapping is me scam, chatting up northside bird on the hill ya, sleep with me?, she said I will ya, deadly says I, feeling horny, go home says she, I think ya corny, rather bring me Mam to the bin-go, I think you got problems with the lin-go, I will ya doesn’t mean yes in Cork, it means no way boy, now you gotta walk, out of me life, out of me way, no doing the business with meto-day, so here’s me question Audrey, here we go, is there an app I can use to chat up Cork-birds, yo?

—Hopper, Dundalk and Ballincollig, I’m actually a Data Security Analyst working for a large multi-national, this is just me hobby yo.

A nerd who fantasies about being a rapper – what next!!? My nephew is a linguist, zero cunning. I said, what’s the key to understanding northsiders? He said, they think supermarkets are named after people. I said, how do you mean? He said, they refer to Aldi as Aldi’s, Tesco is Tesco’s. I said, Jesus you’re right!

So, like, I’m the leading social media influencer in the Western Europe measured by the number of times a day I wonder if there will still be money in this shit in five years time. I don’t have kids because I hate them, but my sister lets me borrow hers every now and again for myInstagram posts. #FavouriteAuntie #MakingMemories #WheresMyHandSanitiser #SnotsAllOverTheShop. My sister, the bitch, is insisting that I either pay €500 a pop for these posts, or else have the birds and the bees conversation with her 10-year-old daughter. So, I’m going for the sex chat and was thinking of bringing her down to Fota Wildlife Park to to kick off the conversation. When is the best time to catch the animals shagging?

— @YouSoWishLike, Turner’s Cross and Monte Carlo.

It be very awkward bringing youngsters to Fota. I remember my daughter saying, how come the zebras aren’t embarrassed about having sex in front of loads of people, Mom? I said, because they’re from around Cobh, love.

Hey, it’s Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors with American Accents. I just gave a Ted Talk in Geneva called Own Your Failure Loser, I’m a Massive Success. People paid in to hear me deliver that message and there is nothing you can do to stop that. Anyway, I’m going for my first sleepover with my girlfriend this weekend, she still lives in a tiny house with her ‘Mam’ in Passage West because she’s only a nurse. I’m worried about sex noises we might make doing the deed, paper thin walls and what have ya. Any tips?

— Dr Ken, Douglas Road.

My Posh Cousin dated a guy from Passage because he told her he was from Monkstown. She said, my solution was to bring a set of ear-plugs down with me. I said, for the Mam? She said, no, for myself, in case I picked up the accent, girrrrl.

Listen to this week's instalment of the Ask Audrey podcast below: