Ask Audrey: Being nice to poor kids is everything that is wrong about Christmas

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey: Being nice to poor kids is everything that is wrong about Christmas

The livid is up to 11 on our Whats-App group, Model Farm Road Stunners Who Have Lost Weight Since We Had Kids. The word on the street is that the teacher in our local primary school has given all the best parts in the Christmas play to kids from more disadvantaged homes in our area. (As in, worth less than 1.2 million, no panic room.)

Sorry now, but being nice to poor kids is everything that is wrong about Christmas. My friend Ava_45GrandChinLift says we should ring Neil Prendeville, but I said there is a slight danger we’ll come across as unhinged and out of touch.

So we’ve decided to hire a private detective to dish up some dirt on the teacher. Do you know anyone good in that area?

— Emily, Model Farm Road, my Hugo is the back end of a donkey.

My Conor is no end of an ass. My ex is a private detective. I said, would you have time to take this case on. He said, I haven’t a spare minute with all the adultery.

I said, your clients’? He said no, my own, did you not hear I moved to Kinsale?

Hi, it’s Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors with American accents. I just got invited to an exclusive fashion event in a branch of Brown Thomas in Cork, Ireland that is invisible to the eye of people who earn less than 150 thousand dollars a year, and there is nothing anyone can do about that.

My relationship with a nurse from Passage West is thickening up like Bisto, according to her ‘Mam’. It’s got the point she’s WhatsApping the hell out of me to meet her friends in a local pub for a Christmas drink.

One of them works in a shop and answers to the name Tracy. It’s that bad, baby, I need to message her back and get out of this. Any ideas?

— Dr Ken, Douglas Road

My friend Story Rory has a Masters in Making Stuff Up that Isn’t True. (They have a team working on a snappier title.)

I said, what should a doctor write when he wants someone to go away and leave him alone? He said, a script for a course of antibiotics. #Harsh

Listen to more advice from Audrey...

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Myself and missus are the most liberal couple in the parish. In fact, only last week we were voted least likely to use Christmas as an excuse to make sly comments about the Jews.

Our open-mindedness is going to be tested next week, when our daughter comes home for Christmas with her friend, a girl, from Dublin. Now, we don’t know if this is a girlfriend, as the fella says.

And I have nothing against lesbians, even ones from Dublin. But if my daughter is one, I need to know as soon as possible, so I can write her out of the will in case she gets her hands on the farm.

Should I just ask them straight out or what like?

— Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until you see a man who cuts his hair with a pen-knife.

I joined the Gay and Lesbian Society in college to get away from this rugby guy who was stalking me. #Vanished

I rang my old friend Laura from back then and said, did you come out to your your parents or did they ask?

She said, I just told my mother one day when she arrived home from work. I said, what did she say?

She said, And tell me Laura, who’s that girl with you in the shower? #KnockTheNextTime

Ciao. My mother rang to say my photo has been removed from the Wall of Beautiful Lovers in the cafe across the road from her apartment in Milan, because I am only dating three women.

She cried tears of shame for 20 minutes. Coincidentally, my friend at work, Liam, he mocks me the way he kisses his girlfriend at our Christmas party, even though he has an astonishing wife at home.

I made a video of this kiss and am planning to send it to the beautiful wife in the hope of getting into bed with her and making Mama proud.

Does this make me a bad person?

— Marco, Milan and Glanmire, Liam’s girlfriend at work is one of the three women I am dating

How did you manage to get a job on Love Island? There is actually a video of me doing the rounds, snogging the Spanish waiter at our Xmas party. (So much more rewarding than a tip).

I’m totally mortified – you should see the state of my hair.

Listen to more advice from Audrey...

So, I’m the leading Social Media Influencer in Western Europe according to myself. I need to make a short Christmas decorations video, where I pretend to be embarrassed by how little I’ve done but my gaff looks like a posh version of Santa’s Cave.

Couldn’t be arsed doing it myself, can I go to your Posh Cousin’s gaff and shoot the video there?

— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.

I asked her. She said no point. I said why. She said, the The Cork Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Southsiders just posted that decorations are as common as your greyhound joining the Majorettes. #ThatsWhatICallCommon.

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