Ask Audrey: 'When a northside dog goes ruff, he’s actually describing his owner'

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages.

So like I’m the top social media influencer in south Munster, measured by the number of my followers who look away when they see me dressed as a giant mushroom at the opening of a garden centre because it’s just embarrassing for everyone, do you know that kind of a way? Anyway, I was judging a Beautiful Gherkin competition in Cobh last month when it came to me. #RescuePuppy #HeartOfGold #1000NewFollowers. I had to wait a while before they got a photogenic one, but I am now the owner of #Leonard, the cutest dog in my life since I went out with a Kerry footballer. #GetUpOnAnything. The only problem is #Leonard has a Norry bark, #WawfWawf #Allerge #MakesMeSeemCommon. Do you know someone who could train him to bark like a southside dog?— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.

My neighbour recently started a new company called PoshPetz – only last week she cured a budgie that sounded like someone you’d sit next to on the 203. #BusOfTheNorries (No offence.)

I said, is it possible to tell where a dog comes from based on their bark. She said absolutely, when a northside dog goes ruff, he’sactually describing his owner.#Hilaire.

Hi, it’s all about Lapland on our parents WhatsApp group, Busy Busy Blackrock Moms Who Swear Blind It Isn’t Botox. Ava_2MiuMiuHandbags told us the harrowing story of how she spent 3 grand bringing her Hugo to Lapland, followed by a further 5 grand in counselling because she had to sit next to someone from Ovens THERE AND BACK. (They gave their kids CRISPS. Own brand.) Ciara_3SonsInPres said she ended up sitting next to a greyhound guy from Whitechurch called Timmy Dogs. That’s verging on assault! So come on, there must be a BrownThomas, Hotel Europe, style Lapland where we don’t have to mingle with people who know what it’s like to drive a Renault (Imagine.)— Monica, Blackrock Road

My friend 4StarFiona is in the Travel Game. I said, where do time-poor Posh Cork professional parents tend to go in December. She said,Amsterdam. I said, surely you can’t bring your kids there for the weekend? She said, exactly.#HeadWreckedFromThem

Hey girl, I was voted ‘Most Likely to Inherit Over 10 Mil’ in my class in Ashton, a really competitive category, but that hasn’t stopped me buying a season ticket for Cork City so I can take it out in a taxis and shout, I’m just like you boy, at the driver, even though his runners are from Aldi. Anyway, I’m looking to wreak a horrible vengeance on my old man after he refused to fund a run in the Everyman for my new one man play, Didn’t Ask For It, charting my search for self-esteem in a world where everything falls into my lap, whether I want it or not. The struggle is real, ya feelin’ me. What would you recommend for this vengeance?— Ed, Ballintemple, money no object

I won’t object if you want to give me some. My cousin has a revenge company called Make The Other Person Feel Shit. (She was never great at names.) I said, name one thing that’s guaranteed to devastate a person living in Ballintemple. She said, house prices in Sundays Well. #CantMove[

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just inherited 5 million pounds from a distant relative whose family motto translates as ‘Proudly living off the Proceeds of Slavery for over 400 years.’ I’m sure this seems like a lot of money to suburban spud-muncher like yourself, but I can assure you it would barely buy one a Government minister over here. That said, I’ve decided to put it beyond the reach of the Inland Revenue, because I’ve subsidised towns like Dundee all my life without a single ‘thanks a lot pal’ from the gimpy locals. Bunty Horseface-Price tells me I should buy a house in West Cork, while Tiggy Tacky-Wilmington tells me all the value is in East Cork. Guidance please?—Lord Edmund d’Servant-Shagger, London, Wiltshire and heaps of Scotland.

My cousin is in real estate which is another way of saying he didn’t get the points for Arts. I said, what’s the best way to explain to someone why property prices are cheaper in East Cork. He said, bring them to Youghal.

Dude, Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors with American Accents. I’ve just watched an amazing TED Talk called Be Nice to Poor People Or They’ll Murder You in YOUR BED! #Inspiring. I’m across security here in our gated compound so I reached out to some of our staff and said, hey, I want your ass in my house this Saturday morning for All Blacks, beers and BBQ! They said “ok boy” and now I have to make them comfortable in my award-winning house. After giving it some thought, I have decided to buy one of those large white plastic signs saying HOME. Is this enough?— Dr Ken, Douglas Road.

My friend from college is a byword for sophistication, even though she’s always been open about coming from Passage West. I said, ok, so you approach a house and see a large plastic spelling HOME, what does that say to you? She said, KEEP OUT.