Sex File: Boyfriend keeps his T-shirt on during sex

I am dating a lovely guy. However, he seems really awkward about being naked in front of me. At the beginning, I thought he was just shy, but six months later it’s still the same. He even keeps his T-shirt on when we’re having sex.

There are several lesser-known phobias that match this description. ‘Gymnophobia’ is an irrational fear of being naked in front of people, while ‘dishabiliophobia’ concerns undressing in front of someone.

These are not particularly well understood, or well researched, but are thought to relate to a fear of intimacy.

A more likely explanation, however, is that your boyfriend is self-conscious about his body.

Although there is a greater focus on women when it comes to body image, research shows men are just as likely as women to ruminate about weight and appearance.

In fact, the gender gap when it comes to body dissatisfaction has shrunk to such a degree that the Mental Health Foundation’s 2019 report on body image does not separate statistics for men and women.

Instead, it states that in the past year more than a third of adults had felt anxious (34%) or depressed (35%) because of their body image, while a fifth had felt shame.

Body dysmorphia tends to manifest slightly differently in men and women.

Although men also suffer from eating disorders, they are more likely to suffer from muscle dysmorphia — a pathological dissatisfaction with one’s perceived amount of muscle mass.

Viewed in that context, your new boyfriend’s desire to keep a T-shirt on during sex seems like a mild inconvenience.

However, you are right not to dismiss it as a quirk. There is a well-evidenced relationship between body-image issues, sexual avoidance, and sexual dysfunction.

A study carried out by Cherie La Rocque and Jan Cioe at the University of British Columbia’s department of psychology found that men and women reported almost identical levels of anxiety around body shape and size, and preoccupation with appearance had a proportional impact on sex.

In contrast, research shows people who are content with their bodies report fewer sexual difficulties, more satisfaction, more frequent sex and more reliable orgasms.

Because body image is such a complex construct, the only thing you can really do is encourage your boyfriend to be open with you.

It won’t be easy for him to admit to something he probably perceives as a vulnerability, so sensitivity is crucial.

If after talking you begin to realise that his reluctance to undress is the tip of a mental-health iceberg, do whatever it takes to get him some cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) via his doctor or counselling agency.

Most mental-health issues are treatable, but men often find it difficult to ask for help.

Your boyfriend may have been bottling these issues up for years, but the good news is that, with a course of CBT, he could be better in a matter of months.

If his issues are not too severe, practical steps, such as turning off the lights or even wearing a blindfold, might help him to relax, and once he stops feeling so self-conscious he should be willing to take off his T-shirt.

If there is a specific part of his body, a scar or disfigurement, for example, that he feels sensitive about, encourage him to let you touch it in the dark.

The more that you accept him, the easier it will be for him to accept himself.

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