Ask Audrey: How to sort out Norries in your back yard

Hi girl. I do be living in Douglas at the moment as part of a reality show on whatever they call TV3 these days. It’s called NIMBY, Norries in My Back Yard, where they put a northsider in with a bunch of nobs and see how long before they accuse me of stealing. I’m game ball so far because I do be good at accents and have them fooled into thinking I’m one of their own. (I hired a white Range Rover and keep saying ‘I can’t wait for Crook’, that’s what they call Crookhaven.) Is there anything that might give me away? May, Douglas, I could get used to this.

This is definitely one for the Posh Cousin. I said, is there any dead give away that will expose a Norry living undercover in Douglas? She said, cleaning your own house. I said, hilaire. She said, there must be a name for that. I said, you mean what do you call a dead common one pretending to be posh? She said, the Duchess of Sussex. #PoshCousinOnFire!

Anxious times in Chez Monica. Our son Hugo went to the open auditions for the Young Offenders TV show in the Metropole during the week and we’re waiting to hear how he got on. I don’t care if he decides to go into acting – his two older brothers want to do medicine, so we can afford to have a layabout. The thing is he’s under-age, so I’ll have to accompany him up to the northside when they are shooting his part. I can’t do that in my Mercedes SLK (obvs), so I bought a new Kia yesterday for the Norry run. Obviously, I can’t be seen driving this Kia thing around the Blackrock Road. Where would be a discreet place to do a swap? Monica, Blackrock Road.

My cousin has his ear to the ground on the real estate scene around town. (He put a listening device in the changing rooms of Cork Golf Club, male and female, #equality.) I said, where could you find a patch of open space in town that won’t be disturbed for the next six months? He said, the site for the Event Centre. #SodTurnersSodOff

C’mere girl, what’s the scéal with Spanish old dolls who don’t speak Cork, like? I got talking to this wan in Crane Lane last night, told her she do be the bulb off a Salma Hayek, she said what, I said you’re a great bit of stuff like, you must be weak for yourself, she said what, I said I’ll be total allerge now if you don’t give me your number, she said what, I said I suppose you’d need to be double wide with the baturs in this gaff, she said what, it went on like this for four pints, I was baloobas.

Anyway, as far as I can make out, I’m meeting her for coffee in Idaho Cafe tomorrow lah. Do you think I need an interpreter? Eric, Togher, my friend Budgie has a bit of Spanish.

He does in his hola. Sorry, but bringing an interpreter would be the biggest waste of time and money since someone said let’s build a city and call it Limerick. That’s unless you want to know the Spanish for ‘I do be after getting a 50.’

Hey lady. Yes I’m from the third richest family in Ballintemple measured by pairs of deck shoes per person, but that doesn’t stop me being todally cool.

So when my son, Moonchap, asked if he could play with this little disadvantaged girl (Pouladuff Road) in Garretstown last weekend, I said “Absolutely little man, it’s not her fault.” Had the chats with her Dad then, pure Cork, so gift horse and all that, I asked if he knew anyone that could sell me a bit of spliff. That didn’t go to plan and I felt quite unsafe when he said “Don’t you be thinking we all do be drug dealers.”

So like, how can I ask someone from the lower orders if they are selling drugs, without offending them? Ed, Ballintemple.

They can be very cross. I rear-ended this car on Well Road the other day. Your man was very nice about it, gave me his address, Turners Cross, I said do you know anyone that would clean my gutters, cash in hand, he looked at me as if I was like mental, or from Macroom. #ChillPill

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a gang of Game of Thrones super-fans inside in Dunmanway and she’ll talk about nothing else except Starks and Lannisters and some hoor called the Night King. I better get up to date myself or we’ll be back to the relationship counsellor to discuss my poor communication skills, 100 euro an hour. Could you give me a brief run-down of the show? Dan Paddy Andy, head east from Dunmanway until you hear a man saying “how do mean it has dragons?”

Game of Thrones, short version. People drinking all day and having sex with their relations while a terrifying mob of super-zombies roams the streets looking for trouble. It’s basically Puck Fair but with better clothes.