Sex File: My girlfriend never lets me initiate sex

My girlfriend and I have been together for six months. The sex is great, but there’s one thing that’s troubling me. She always initiates it.

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She has a higher libido than I do. I’m not saying I mind that, but I never have the chance to take the lead. It’s a bit emasculating.

Making the first move is not a set piece. You can initiate sex with a wink, a nod, a hug that goes on for fractionally too long, a kiss that does not stop or a straightforward “how about it?”.

The person who orchestrates may be the person with the strongest intent, but unless a partner responds positively, the suggestion is not going to lead anywhere. Technically, one person initiates, but the decision to have sex is made by both.

However, there are circumstances where a proposition can begin to feel more like an ambush.

The first time you come home from work and your girlfriend is dressed in sexy underwear and takes you straight to the bedroom is a mind-blowing turn-on. The fifth time it starts to feel like an obligation.

However much you appreciate the sentiment, no one likes feeling pressured into sex. Plus it feels doubly difficult if someone has presented you with a fait accompli because you can’t possibly say no without belittling their efforts.

Your feelings of emasculation may simply reflect that your girlfriend denies you the opportunity to choose whether you want sex or not — although it may also be that her voracious appetite flips the social script that assumes men are the ones who are always up for it.

This is a relatively new relationship, so there is still a sense of urgency around sex for both of you, but the differences are already showing. Managing mismatched libidos can be particularly complex when the female is the more libidinous partner.

A woman who is not in the mood may, on occasion, be willing to have sex to please her partner, but a man cannot fake an erection.

You need to talk, but keep your tone positive. You don’t want to squash her enthusiasm or leave her feeling rejected. Pick a neutral time and place, tell her that you adore her and are endlessly surprised by her creativity and energy, but that you would, sometimes, like to initiate sex in your own way and on your terms.

She will obviously ask you what your terms are, so think that through in advance. It is not a conversation many couples have, but it is an important one. Everyone is different and the sexual overtures that appeal to you may be a turn-off for her. Some people need explicit suggestion, others prefer subtlety. Some yearn for roses and wine, others like sexy lingerie.

Remember that sex is, ultimately, a bid for connection, and although it is nice if it ends in orgasm, it doesn’t have to. There are lots of other ways to meet a person’s need for closeness, attention and intimacy.

Any form of physical contact — cuddling, snuggling, head massage or bathing together — will trigger the release of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin, the same feelgood chemicals that are released during orgasm.

If you and your girlfriend can agree on the cues and the connections that work for you, you can find less exhausting, more mutually compatible ways to satisfy each other’s emotional and physical needs.

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