Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...
Isn’t he lucky? My neighbour is an expert in old people, we call him Patrick the Geriatric. I said, do old people just pretend to have an interest in sex in the hope they’ll get invited on the Ray D’Arcy Show for a segment called ‘At It In Your Eighties?’ He said, yes. (I knew it.)
Ballybunion. What do I win? Don’t pay any attention to these traveller polls. They are usually based on photographs – the problem with a photo of Kerry is that while it might look nice, it doesn’t really capture the price gouging or over-whelming smell of Lynx Yerra Give Us A Shag.
If you had any. My nephew got an job in event management as we’re nearing full employment. I said, where do you stand on influencers? He said, usually on their toes, it stops them from going down the living-my-best-life-by-posting-a- photo-of-my-toes-on-a-sunlounger route. (He’d thought it through, in fairness.)
I’ve been there. I once went out with a hippy from Killarney once, he smelled like the toilets after Curry Night in the Danny Mann. I said, would you like to take a shower with me? He said, I adore your filthy mind, it’s full of life. I said, so is your hair. #Tears OfAHippy
I’m an Agony Aunt. After reading that, I’m in agony. A snobby friend of mine (Well Road) works in HR. I said, what’s an energy transformation facilitation executive? She said someone in a call centre who can help you switch gas and electricity providers. I said, would he make a suitable life partner for a doctor? She said, do have a number for this doctor. I said why? She said, I’m going to burst my bladder with laughter. Then she started laughing – very organised person.