Ask Audrey: 'Is the afterlife just something we invented so poor people don’t feel bad about living in Turners Cross?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages.

Hi. I started crying when I heard that Liam Gallagher and Lauryn Hill are going to play in Musgrave Park this summer. I’d love to go and see both of them but when my grandmother was on her death bed (private view in the Bons, view of Sunday’s Well), she offered me her summer house if I swore that I’d never visit Ballyphehane. (I’d actually sleep with a postman to get my hands on a place in Schull.) She said she’ll haunt me if I don’t stick to my promise. So, like, is there actually an afterlife or is it just something we tell poor people so they don’t feel bad about living in Turners Cross?

— Monica, Douglas

I decided the best thing to do would be to go ask a priest in confession. He said, are you hoping to gain some relief by getting something off your chest. I said, how did you know I was wearing nipple clamps? He said, seventeen Hail Marys and two Our Fathers. #NoJokesInConfession

I’m writing to you on behalf of the people of Sunday’s Well, in regards to the treatment of Minister Simon Harris. We’re outraged at the way his house was surrounded by protesters recently and would like to extend our support to the minister and his family. It must be appalling to have a group of people who earn under 40 grand on your road, unless they are there to collect your rubbish. I think this merely underlines the case we’ve been making up here for ages, to put a series of gates around Sunday’s Well so we can regulate the flow of undesirables. Who would be the best person to contact in City Hall?

— Dermot, Sunday’s Well

My second cousin works in City Hall, but not too hard, in case he shows up his colleagues. I said, how much would it cost the council to put a set of gates around Sunday’s Well. He said one billion euro. I said does that include a team of PR consultants to explain the budget over-run. He said no, add another billion for that. #Value.

Hello old stock. Awkward moments in Chez Reggie this week after I gave my wife Marjorie her Valentine’s card. I said, is it because it’s from Lidl? She replied no, it’s because it says “Best of Luck in the New Job”. Uncontrollable sobbing. Mine, because I realised there had been a mix up and I had handed the Valentines card to a departing Spanish intern, along with a message saying “I can’t wait to get you alone so I can jiggle your chaps.” Do you know a good lawyer?

— Reggie, Blackrock Road, I’m terrified they’ll send me on yet another ‘How to behave in front of chicks in 2019’ course

The previous ones have worked so well. My nephew’s law firm specialises in defending ugly but powerful middle-aged managers who can’t keep it in their pants, so he’d be perfect, no offence. I told him your story and he said no one will believe that crock of shit. I said that’s a terrible thing to say about Reggie. He said, no, his story, it’s full of holes. I said how come? He said, Blackrock Road man shops in Lidl, for starters. #AldiMaybeAtAStretch.

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, AKA a gathering of repressed chaps wearing women’s underwear in a large country house. (The rumours are true, and then some.) Anyway, we’ve had a look at the various players in the Brexit hoo-haa and I am authorised to ask if you could have word with your chap Coveney and ask him if he wouldn’t mind moving in to 10 Downing Street and running Britain on a two-year rolling contract. (He’s very impressive for a mere Mick.) Please let me know his response by Sunday.

— Simon De Servant-Spanker, The Big House, You Can’t Afford, Berkshire

I’m not surprised you like Simon. He went to school in Clongowes, which is Posh Cork speak for ‘Imagine only going to Pres’. I put out feelers to his people there and I’m afraid it’s no dice. I said, is it because he’s afraid of Jeremy Corbyn? They said no, the problem is the accommodation — the RCYC will kick him out if he moves into a terraced house. (It’s in the rules.)

Bonjour. I am a 34-year-old French woman working in Cork and I keep meeting tweedy hipsters who think I want to talk about the meaning of life because I’m from Lyons. Sorry, but I came to Ireland to find a Cillian Murphy look-alike who will make small-talk for 30 seconds and then stick his tongue down my throat. Where can I find one?

— Dominique, Lyons and Ballincollig

My niece is doing a research thesis on changing sexual practices in County Cork. (You should see the photos.) I said, tell me where a woman might find an old-school bogman for a no nonsense quicky. She said nowhere, the whole county is full of modern men. I said really? She said yes, it’s got so bad there is a WhatsApp group called Dunmanway Men Who’ve Tried Foreplay.