Ask Audrey: 'Clare fans will be a coachload of people in boot-cut jeans drinking milk out of a bodhran'

Sorting out Cork people for ages.

Alright luv. We was discussing the Brexit Backstop with the boys in The Angry White Man boozer last night when Terry said, “Oy, lads, rather than just saying we wished the famine killed all the Irish, why don’t we fly over there and try and understand them.” Voice of reason is Terry, unless he thinks you’re a bit German. So, we is flying into Cork this weekend, with nothing but good intentions, open minds and a bag of speed we got off Lame Eric. Where is a good place to meet Paddys wot is open to persuasion?

– Les, Southend-on-Sea, England, mate.

There’s no shortage of pubs in the northside that would love to have you, for lunch. My niece is a politics fan and one of the leading debaters in UCC, there’s a queue to get away from her at family gatherings. I said, how would you like to spend a few hours on Saturday talking politics with a pack of shabby looking saddos? She said, that’s a terrible thing to say about my friends in the debating society.

We’re looking to move house at the moment because our new neighbours are big into camogie. (The freckles on them.) We were viewing a place in the exclusive end of Ballintemple last week (well within our budget) when we got to the master bedroom and it was like Flashback Friday. I remember being tied up there by a leading light in Cork legal circles when his wife was away. I’m wondering should I contact him now and suggest dropping 50 grand off the asking price and we’ll say nothing. Is that immoral?

– Ciara, Douglas, my husband won’t care that I had a fling, he’s from Kinsale.

One of my best friends from school is a priest now. (!) I said, Father, I know a woman who plans to blackmail a leading solicitor because he tied her up during a steamy sex session in his bedroom – where would you stand on that? He said just outside the window taking photos. (The poor guy is driven mad from the celibacy.)

C’mere what’s the story with a swipe right from your old doll’s best friend? I’m not a dog or nothing, but I went on Tinder there in January after herself put on a few pounds. I told the app I only want to meet girls in Dublin, so I can go up and down by bus on the same day, do the business in between, 20 quid all told, how bad. Anyway, the old doll’s best friend must have been looking for a guy from Dublin, treason like, and didn’t she come across my profile and give it a swipe right. Is this a trap now like?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, you’d have to be double wide.

Tell me about it. I’m using this exclusive new dating app for well bred types who don’t need a mortgage to buy in Blackrock - it’s called Love Loaded Leesiders. Anyway, didn’t I get a poke last night from My Conor’s cousin, Leonard. And then later on, he contacted me via the app! (Is it just me or is this all getting a bit Mrs Brown’s Boys?)

C’mere girl, I heard an ad on the radio there for a weekend break in Belfast. I don’t know much about foreign exchange but if Britain crashes out of Europe next month, sterling will be worth less than a promise from Theresa May. So I was thinking like, we could go for a weekend break up north in April and live like complete kings, which would be a real treat for me because I only grew up in Ballyvolane. Do you think they’ll understand my accent out of me, like?

– Marie, Ballyvolane.

I’m not sure if there are great savings in Belfast. Mainly because you’ll forget to pay the toll on the M50 on the way up and on the way down, and then you’ll forget to pay the fine, probably because of gin. (Thanks for letting me share.) Look, if you bump into a local on the street up north, just remember to speak really slowly, as if you were talking to someone from Clonmel. Unless that local is Liam Neeson, in which case I’d leg it.

We’re bawling in Ballinlough. Thanks to the ploughing championships in Pairc Ui Chaoimh, the national league matches are being moved, which is a nightmare for us in the plush surrounds of Pairc Ui Rinn. Clare are coming next weekend, which means a coach-load of people in boot-cut Tommy Hilfiger jeans from 2007, drinking milk out of a bodhran. And we’ll probably have local matches as well, which means hordes of north Cork types who have no business in Ballinlough. I estimate this has knocked 20 grand off the value of my house – will the GAA pay for that?

– Jean, Ballinlough.

I rang the Cork County board there but my call was diverted to Croke Park. (Troika 2 – This Time They’re From Dublin.) So then I asked my hurling-mad friend, No-Fault Fergus, when is the next time we can expect to see a competitive match in Pairc Ui Chaoimh? He said, probably never, if the footballers are playing. #Harsh