Ask Audrey: My son is identifying as a northside woman and wants to be called Holly Hill

Got a problem? Audrey has the answers.

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

My favourite WhatsApp group, Former St Angela’s Girls with €5,000 Euro Lips, is buzzing with the news that Michael Flatley’s place in Castlehyde is back on the market for €12.5 million.

I don’t want to make us look like a group of chronic social climbers with amazingly toned shoulders, but whoever gets the first viewing (private, obvs) is basically going to own Instagram in well-bred Cork for the rest of the year.

I’ve heard that your property editor, Tommy Barker, is quite nice for a journalist – could you tell him to give me a shout, I have a proposition for him.

–Yvette, Montenotte, tell him I’m desperate.

You’d want to be. (Have you ever seen a photo of Tommy?)

I asked my Posh Cousin about Castlehyde.

She said, don’t ask me why people are keen to have a look.

I said, it’s had a fortune spent on the appearance but you can still tell it’s quite old.

She said, just like the previous owner.

#Bitchy.

Now listen up Paddy. There was a time when I wanted an Éire passport almost as much as I wanted a text from my maid saying ‘I’m late and it’s yours.’

That time is not now, given that Britain has been turned into a giant clown college, so I looked up your Department of Foreign Affairs website for passport details.

There didn’t seem to be anywhere I could just pay five million quid and get one sent over by return post, which I’m sure is some kind of oversight.

Could you have a word in the right ear?

– Lord Edmund de Servant-Spanker, London, I have no intention of living in your country.

Good.

How dare you suggest that an Irish passport can be bought for five million quid?

What do you think we are? Cheap?

Our entry-level offering, the Classic Package, is 10 million euro, that gets you two passports and lunch with Shane Ross.

The Super Delux is 20 million, that gets you two passports and you don’t have to meet Shane Ross.

#Value

My 16-year old son arrived home from school (fee-paying) yesterday and told us he had a bit of news. I said, don’t worry we’ll stand by you if she’s from Scoil Mhuire or maybe Regina Mundi at a stretch.

He said no, that I have it all wrong, he is in fact a northside woman trapped in an entitled posh-boy body (his uncle is very high up in Cork Chamber of Commerce), and from now on (s)he wants to be known as Holly Hill.

There’s only one word for that and it’s shitebags – is there any pill we could use to put his focus back on getting the points for medicine?

– Roger, Skehard Road.

My niece is doing a PhD in Gender and Identity because she doesn’t like getting up before 10 am.

I told her your story and said, what do you reckon? She said, they must be devastated.

I said, because their son wants to be a woman?

She said, no, because they have delusions of grandeur and can only afford the Skehard Road.

#ThePoverty

How’re oo’ goin’ on. Herself is after falling in with a pack of Man United ultras inside

in Dunmanway, and buoyed by their recent success, isn’t she going around the town harassing Liverpool fans.

Only yesterday they chanted ‘you fat bastard’ at Tim Pat Tim Pat Timmy Timmy Tim Pat below in the square, even though he’s making great strides thanks to Operation Transformation. Anyway, isn’t she after getting two tickets for the home match against Brighton this Saturday and we’re travelling to Manchester for the weekend.

Will we be safe over there at all, tell me?

– Dan Paddy Andy, keep going out of Bantry until you see an 83-year-old woman in a Stone Roses t-shirt.

I’ve a second cousin who moved to Manchester after losing a bet.

I said, how would you rate it as a city.

She said I’d give it a four.

I said, on what scale?

She said one to 10, where one is safe, picturesque, cosmopolitan, and 10 is Limerick.

#Clarity

C’mere, what do be the chances of Cork giving up gaelic football?

Ever since the GAA one, Tracey Kennedy, said the footballers need to find their Corkness, the rest of the country do be mocking us for being so thick, you’d swear we were from Clonmel.

Like, no offence to people in West Cork, but if that shower of muck-savages can’t send us up 15 decent footballers, maybe it’s time to throw in the towel and focus on hurling.

What do you reckon?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, what’s the point of Nemo?

Cheap summer camps for the kids so their parents can afford a second night in Hotel Europe. #DouglasWorldProblems.

I’ve a GAA mad colleague from Beara called Mick Mike Mary. (He identifies as a woman every third day.)

I said, what are the odds of the footballers appearing in the All-Ireland final.

He said look, yerra, I suppose, mhuise, yerra, mhuise, I suppose, look, yerra, far be it from yerra mhuise I suppose. (He’s after catching the Kerryitis.)